How not to pay attention to insults. Different strategies for dealing with those who offend you

There are a lot of people in the world who are different from each other. The differences lie in their character, in the manner of walking, talking, eating, dressing, in the rules of culture, in their development as a person. All these moments greatly affect a person. It often happens that there are people who have no idea about the culture and the rules of communication.

Insults

Most people can often get nasty, present the other in a bad light. Such situations can occur with people of different ages, starting from early childhood and ending with quite mature years. Not all people can insult and be rude. There are those who simply do not know what to do in such situations. What if you are offended? This question worries everyone who has been offended at least once in their life. He makes you think about your actions and deeds in relation to other people.

Why are people being rude? What are the reasons for this behavior?

In order to understand how to act in such situations, it is important to understand the reasons for this behavior of another person. After all, knowing the reason, you can not take a person's words seriously. An insult can be answered immediately beautifully and without the development of further conflict. People can be rude and humiliate the dignity of another person for the following reasons:

The person is unhappy and cannot fully enjoy himself. In this situation, he may offend others for the reason that he considers himself unhappy. That is, he has nothing to enjoy in life. At the same time, yelling at the other helps him to feel happy.
There is no reason to be insulted. There are people who simply feed on negative energy, and their screams are a common state that does not allow living in a normal way. He wastes his nerves, his emotions, because he has pain inside him.
By lowering the other person's importance, many people raise their egos. As you know, the ego is a state of mind that helps a person to feel a personality in himself. But this feeling should know when to stop. Otherwise, it will simply rise above the other person, clinging to him for petty misdeeds. The important thing to remember here is that everyone has their drawbacks.

What should you do if you are offended?

What if you are offended? In such a situation, it is important to behave as required by behavior and communication norms. It is not always necessary to sink to the same level and offend him with your words and actions. After all, a weak and insecure person insults. There are a lot of such people in life, it is impossible to get rid of them. Therefore, you should not take it seriously and not pay attention to it.

But what if you are very offended? What to do in such a situation? There are many times when you can get nasty. A conflict situation can occur, and during it insults will surface. This is perhaps the most common occurrence in life, and it can happen to almost anyone.

If you are an abuser ...

It happens that a person did not want to do this. But, alas, it happened in a fit strong emotions... Then many become interested in learning how to behave if offended a person? What to do in such a situation? It's easier here. After all, it's enough just to stop talking nonsense and just ask for an apology, explaining your impulse that these are just emotions.

School. What to do if your child is bullied by peers in school?

An insult is always an unpleasant word. They may sound addressed to another person. What if you are offended? There are different ways to deal with this situation. Depending on the person who is rude, and on the moment at which the incident occurred.

There are different areas of a person's life, which will also distinguish cases of conflict and insults. For example, a school. This is the place where children of different ages come to study. They spend a lot of time in it, gain knowledge of subjects, as well as sometimes life experience.

If at school, what should parents and children do? First of all, it is important to remember that if a child is offended, then only parents should watch over and intercede for the child. Each person understands the word "offend" differently. Its essence is also conveyed to children in various ways.

Boys are prone to frequent offenses, who at the moment of the game can say hurtful words, commit any act. Your child does not need to be taught to repeat the same movement and say the same words. After all, it often happens with children that after half an hour they are already playing again. And when adults are taught to respond to bad actions with bad actions, then these scandals will only grow.

So what if a child is being bullied at school? Let's figure it out now. It is important for parents to solve the problems of children from their very early age, or rather, to help them cope with difficult situations... Children come from different families, with different abilities and behavior. Therefore, it is worth focusing on their upbringing. If often a child begins to hear bad words addressed to him, then he will simply close in time and stop developing as a person, because he will have fear. Unfortunately, this can happen once and for all. Therefore, from a very early age, it is important to teach a child the possibility of aggression from other people, words of insult.

Parents should clearly distinguish between the words and actions of classmates. If this is just verbal abuse, then it is important to teach the child to react and respond to them correctly. But it also happens that things take a different turn, namely the child can be hit. In this case, the parents are simply obliged to stand up for him.

What if your spouse has offended you?

Unfortunately, insults can happen even within the walls of your own home. This is the feeling that can be caused in the course of a quarrel, scandal. Most often, such aggressive acts can be between husband and wife. Spouses often fight and allow themselves to say bad words.

If the husband offends, what to do in this case? Of course, it is important to understand that if you receive insults, then each person in a pair is to blame. Rarely, a spouse can utter words of humiliation to the other half just like that. Most often, this is an incident that has occurred, which provokes the manifestation of such emotions. Adults should calm down, find a compromise in resolving a conflict dispute. There are some types of cases when a husband is seriously offended, and in this case, ordinary conversations cannot be avoided. Here it is worth looking for the cause of this and rather the problem to solve.

What if you offended a man?

It also happens that a man. What to do in such a situation? It's a little easier here. The whole reason is that a woman can offend and immediately be able to easily and simply make amends. After all, she is full of charm and attractiveness, which she can use. really simple, especially when you know the weaknesses and just cling to them. IN modern world men are no longer the knights on horseback who can stand up for themselves and for the interests of their women.

Now you know what to do if you are offended. And here it is important to bring out the key points. First of all, you should be smarter than the one who offends. And this means that sometimes you need to remain silent and ignore the person. Of course, one does not always give up and keep quiet. Because there are situations that do not allow repetition. Then you should answer the insult beautifully and clearly.

It is necessary to remember that the one who offends is already the loser. Such people should be pitied. After all, they are unhappy in life, they do not have their own happiness and deeds that would simply distract from negative thoughts. You can respond to an insult with the same actions and words. The person will understand that he is wrong and, possibly, apologize for his actions. At the moment of insult, it is necessary to turn off emotions. Indeed, sometimes they will simply spoil the whole picture and lead only to a negative result. It is important to perceive yourself as a person, behave like a person and understand that there are the same people around who want to live, enjoy every day, raise children and be happy. But they have their own character and behavior. Therefore, it is important to treat them as much as they do.

A little conclusion

One has only to imagine for a minute what will happen if every person responds to insult and harsh behavior in this way - this is the end of peace and goodness on earth. Every psychologist claims that it is necessary to change oneself initially. As soon as the habits of offending a person go away, everything will fall into place. Then children will not hear this, and then repeat after adults.

Ecology of life. Psychology: It is easy to get caught up in a vicious circle of punches and counterattacks when defending against insults. However, there are ways ...

Offensive words lie in wait for us every day - often when we are least ready for it:

on the road during rush hours, when the worst qualities appear in people;
in lines when we run out of patience;
at work and at the festive table, where people consider rudeness almost permissible.

Critical attacks are so varied that they defy classification. There are “light”, everyday injections (“well, finally!”), And those when the eyes darken from resentment (“I see that you are busy doing what you do best - you are eating again”).

Sometimes words just betray insensitivity. Gathering up his courage, the son told his mother that his wife had left him, and in response he heard: "It took her a long time to get ready."

It is believed that in a family we can hide from the world. In fact, relatives say things to each other that they would never say to a stranger, often adding to the excuse: "You know, I say this because I love you."

One woman recalls how one day, when she was 12 years old, she stood in front of a mirror and her mother suddenly said, “Don't worry, dear. If the nose grows still, it will be possible to have an operation. " Until that day, it had never occurred to the girl that she did not have a perfect nose.

Particularly "good" are veiled insults, which are called "constructive criticism", although they have nothing to do with it. They are easily recognizable by accompanying phrases such as "I hope I can speak to you frankly" or "I tell you this for your own benefit." It turns out that you should almost admire the critic's frankness and appreciate his care, while you hardly recover from the blow.

It is easy to find yourself in a vicious circle of punches and counterattacks when defending yourself against insults. Fortunately, there are ways to repel an attacker without losing your dignity.

The next time you get criticized, try these tips.

1. Try to understand

The one who criticizes others is often filled with resentment himself. If you can't figure out what really bothers the person offending you, ask him about it. Remember, resentment isn't always for you personally. Take a look at the situation from the outside and look for the reason.

The waitress is rude to you not because she didn't like you in some way, but because her beloved left her the day before. The driver "cutting off" you does not want to annoy you - he hurries to the sick child. Pass him ahead, support him.

Trying to understand those whose words hurt you, you will more easily bear the resentment.

2. Analyze what was said

In her book The Subtle Art of Verbal Self-Defense, Suzette Hayden Elgin suggests decompose a comment that offended you and respond to an unspoken reproach without making yourself a victim... For example, having heard “if you loved me, you would have lost weight”, you can answer like this: “How long ago did you decide that I don’t love you?”

3. Turn to face the abuser

Resisting insults is not easy. In particular, directness helps. Remove the negative charge, for example, by asking: "Why do you need to offend me?" or "Do you understand how such words can be perceived?"

You can also ask the person to clarify the meaning of the comment: "What do you mean?" or "I want to check if I understood you correctly?" Once your critic feels that his game is solved, he will leave you alone. After all, when you are caught red-handed, it is very embarrassing.

4. Use humor

One day my friend had to hear: “Is this your new skirt? In my opinion, chairs are upholstered with such fabric. " She was not taken aback and replied: "Well, sit on my lap."

My friend's mother has been zealous for keeping the house clean all her life. One day she found her daughter's web and asked: "What is this?" “I'm conducting a scientific experiment,” retorted her daughter. The best weapon against offensive criticism is laughter. A witty answer will help you deal with almost any abuser.

5. Come up with a conventional sign

One woman told me that her husband certainly criticized her in public. Then she began to carry a small towel with her and whenever her husband said something hurtful to her, she covered her head with a towel. He was so ashamed that he got rid of his bad habit.

6. Don't mind

Agree with everything. If your wife says: "It seems to me that you put on ten kilograms, dear," answer: "Twelve, to be exact." If she doesn't back down: "So what are you going to do with excess weight?" - try this: “Nothing, probably. I'll just be a fat man for a while. " An offensive remark is as strong as you empower it yourself. By agreeing with the criticism, you disarm the critic.

7. Ignore the injection

Listen to the comment, tell yourself that it is in the wrong place, and forget. The ability to forgive is one of the most important abilities that help us live and that we can develop in ourselves.

If you are not quite ready to forgive yet, make it clear to the speaker that their remark has been heard but there will be no response. The next time you get a jab, wipe an imaginary stain off your shirt. When the one who hurt you asks what you are doing, say: "It seemed to me that something hit me, but I was probably wrong."

When the abuser knows that you also know, he becomes much more careful. Or pretend you are not interested. Blink, yawn, and look away, as if to say, "Who cares?" People hate being considered boring.

8. Add 10 percent

You will never be able to completely shield yourself from offensive remarks. Try to perceive some of them as natural irritations that happen to everyone.

Most of us try not to offend others, but sometimes we make mistakes. So defend yourself when you deem it necessary, but consider also the "10 percent rule":

In 10 percent of cases, it turns out that the thing you bought elsewhere is cheaper.
- in 10 percent of cases, the thing that you lent to someone is returned to you damaged.
- 10 percent of the time, even your best friend can say something without thinking and then regret it.

In other words, make your skin thicker. It is usually easiest to assume that people are trying to do their best, and many simply do not realize how their behavior affects others.

Constantly defending, proving your case and controlling the situation is too expensive. Try to forgive and in return you will get much less resentment and trouble than this notorious 10 percent.

Also interesting: Make friends with your fear: IT IS MORE IMPORTANT than you think

When a person insulted the Buddha, he said: "My son, if someone refuses to accept a gift, to whom does it belong?" “To the one who gives,” the person replied. “So,” the Buddha continued, “I refuse to accept your insulting words.

The world is full of people who humiliate others in order to assert themselves. Do not accept insults even when they are showered with them as gifts of love. By not paying attention to them, you will release tension, strengthen your relationships with others, and make your life more joyful.published

Fragment of the book D. V. Kovpak The wrong ones were attacked! or How to deal with rudeness? - M .: Peter, 2012

How much can you put up with rudeness? On public transport, at work, at a party, at home, on the web, on the street - anywhere! How long can you play the victim? Patiently enduring any inconvenience, any manifestations of rudeness. A well-known psychotherapist and courageous man, Dmitry Kovpak decided that he had had enough! Read his compelling stories and professional tips to combat rudeness and cynicism. Dr. Kovpak is ready to change the world around him without bending under it! And you?

Basic strategies for overcoming rudeness

Effective counteraction

There are obviously three approaches to human relationships. The first is to reckon only with oneself and suppress others ... The second is always and in everything to yield to others ... The third approach is to keep in mind your own interests, not neglecting the interests of others.

Only the dead cannot be touched by the living.Each of us got into situations where he was hurt or psychologically traumatized. Naturally, there is a desire to punish or teach a lesson to the offender, or to minimize damage to the reputation and assessments of others.

What exactly to do? Endure or answer? How will all this turn out? And a whole host of other questions are constantly spinning in my head. This is not the first time this has happened and not only to you. How did people who have already faced a similar problem answer this before?

Once Confucius was asked the question: "Is it right to answer good for evil?" To which he replied: "Good must be answered with good, and evil must be answered with justice."

There is no doubt that if you regularly allow yourself to be hurt, it can become a habit with your bully. The desire to make a remark or even break out at you in a rude person comes before there is a reason for this.

If you help unbalanced people by regularly giving them a platform to vent their irritation, this tactic will work automatically for them. They will no longer have to guess who is to blame for everything.

Thus, by confusing patience and prudence with fear and laziness, you can become the local scapegoat.

In reality, a person is not as peaceful as he declares it and even as he thinks of himself. Therefore, expecting from your offenders that they will independently see the light, admit mistakes and injustices perpetrated, can be too time-consuming and expensive strategy. Help them realize that they are running into the wrong one.

But do not respond to the content of the opponent's speech, but to the very fact of his intervention in another matter.

Whether there are winners in a fight with rude people is a controversial and even rhetorical question. However, if you have already decided on single combat, then some skills, technologies and useful information will not interfere with you.

Those who enter a verbal duel require a number of qualities and skills:

efficiency of search and reproduction of information;
wit, irony;
resourcefulness, cunning, enterprise;
the ability to use logic and consistent argumentation;
mastery of rhetoric;
stress resistance and tolerance (tolerance);
noise immunity.

Quite often people, defending their interests, behave rudely and unceremoniously, mixing the concepts of aggressive, passively insecure and confident behavior. The difference in these behaviors is that by acting with confidence, a person does not offend or suppress others, respecting people's rights as much as their own.

People who know how to properly stand up for themselves are much less susceptible to stressful conditions in difficult life situations and are more likely to experience feelings of self-satisfaction and self-esteem.

People who act in an aggressive manner actually experience feelings of guilt, inferiority, or self-doubt and, through their aggressive behavior, try to mask these underlying experiences.

The key to confident behavior is to establish a new pattern of attitudes and behavior in regular practice.

Remember, what you say to the rude person is far less important than how you say it.

In order to successfully put boors and aggressors in their place in any situation, first of all, one must clearly realize the right to the inviolability of one's personality and personal life.

The manifestation of rudeness is, first of all, evidence of a person's lack of worthy arguments.

"Jupiter, you are angry, then you are wrong," - said Prometheus once angry Jupiter, who was ready to throw lightning at him, finding no other answer.

The most ineffective option for responding to a boor is to get emotionally turned on and shout all sorts of nonsense in response. Thus, you become the twin brother of this ill-bred type and slide down to his level. Most importantly, your emotions will show that his arrows have reached their target and hurt you.

But sometimes it helps to relieve tension. The cost of such a drop will vary depending on the situation and the environment present at that moment, as well as the delayed consequences. Sometimes it is prohibitively high.

The reception of a splash of negative emotions into the water helps much better. Especially when the situation is already in the past, and you still want to "wave your fists".

Open the faucet and just shout everything that boils into the stream of water. At the same time wash yourself with cool water and go get positive emotions. The conflict is over. You turned out to be smarter!

Imagine this situation: you were very angry with your boss, who harshly and rudely reprimanded you for a situation that you really had nothing to do with. After he leaves, you bang your fist on the table, break two pencils, a pen, and turn a whole pile of papers into a shapeless mass. Will doing this reduce your anger? And will they relieve you of your future tendency to be angry with your boss in such situations?

According to the well-known theory of catharsis (purification), the answer in both cases is yes. When an angry person lets off steam through vigorous, but harmless actions, the following happens: firstly, the level of tension or arousal decreases, and secondly, the tendency to resort to open aggression against provocative (or others) individuals decreases.

These assumptions date back to the works of Aristotle, who believed that contemplation of a production that makes the audience empathize with what is happening can indirectly contribute to the "purification" of feelings. Despite the fact that Aristotle himself did not offer this particular method for defusing aggression, a logical continuation of his theory was proposed by many others, in particular by Z. Freud, who believed that the intensity of aggressive behavior can be weakened either through the expression of emotions related to aggression, or by observing the aggressive actions of others.

While acknowledging the reality of such a "purification", Freud was subsequently very pessimistic about its effectiveness in preventing overt aggression. He seemed to believe that his influence was ineffective and short-lived. Indeed, watching movies or television programs with scenes of violence does not lead to a decrease in the level of aggression - on the contrary, such an experience is more likely to increase the intensity of aggressive manifestations in the future.

The level of aggression does not decrease if a person takes out his anger on inanimate objects.

Remember how we like to retell the myths about the basements of Japanese corporations, where employees allegedly thresh stuffed animals of their bosses and then calm and satisfied go to the workplace. If you give people the opportunity to blow out inflatable toys, throw darts at images of hated enemies, or smash any objects to smithereens, it is not at all necessary that the strength of their desire to commit aggressive acts towards those annoying them will diminish.

The level of aggression also does not decrease after a series of verbal attacks - on the contrary, the data obtained indicate that such actions actually increase the opponent's aggression.

English writer John Ruskin said: "A meek answer removes anger."

This is also a certain technique. Only it requires sufficient hardening and aging. So that you have the patience to react to evil insults politely and not lose your temper, not only externally, but also internally. This will require you to develop a lot of self-discipline.

In extreme cases, you can say a calmly neutral descriptive phrase, for example: “How rude you were just now. Communication in such a form / tone does not suit me. " Sometimes this stops the offender or knocks him down for a while. In any case, you will get a pause and will be able to retreat from the place of the verbal battle with your head held high.

So you will eliminate the reason for subsequent returns to the situation in memories, which occurs when an unrequited resentment is swallowed, with the scrolling of "victorious scenarios" in fantasy - virtual "waving fists" after a verbal battle.

The main thing is to maintain inner self-confidence.

It would be appropriate to mentally say to himself the phrase of Gandhi: "They are not able to take away our self-esteem if we ourselves do not give it to them." And the conclusions drawn from everyday experience that we often feel better (that is, less agitated or tense) by answering people who pissed us off do have a basis, as stated by very serious researchers of aggression.

If you have time, allow the interlocutor to finish talking to the end without obvious aggression, listen to him carefully, correctly and analytically.

Listening attentively means perceiving the words that are spoken, not being too distracted by passing thoughts. Correct - give signals feedback, showing that you understand the interlocutor (for example, by nodding) Analytically - to grasp the essence of the statement, while simultaneously perceiving the information encrypted between the words. Listening is an art.

But there are situations when the interlocutor speaks sharply negatively about you or lies. In such a delicate situation, this rule should be abandoned. Calmly interrupt the conversation at the moment when you notice that a lie has been told: just correct the interlocutor politely and correctly. But please be brief.

For example, during a roundtable discussion or speaking at the podium, you need to react immediately - if not in words, then in denial with a shake of your head or gestures.

You can react to a negative statement later if it happened during the dialogue, but if a third person or spectators are present, they will wait for your reaction. And the lack of reaction means agreement!

Don't be afraid to break rules and stereotypes when necessary. An intelligent person chooses tactics depending on the situation.

The technique of the question is the queen of dialectics. "Who asks, he controls!" - this is how one of the leading rules of the art of conducting conversation is formulated in the form of a slogan.

Questions are often tools of pressure in order to demand information, deepen the topic of conversation, motivate interlocutors, or transfer the conversation from a material or technical plane to an emotional one. They also serve to demand an explanation, to insist on justice, to cheer up the participants in the conversation or to inspire them with something, to demand facts or to concretize the statements of the interlocutor.

Therefore, remember the tactics of asking questions. With them you can stop the aggressor and the boor. Don't be afraid to answer a question with a question. This is also a powerful tool.

The client asks:

Why do all realtors answer the question with a question? Realtor's answer:
What do you think?

If someone tells you what to do, makes incorrect remarks, tries to test your knowledge in any area or give you assessments that you did not ask for, you can fight back in one of the following ways, described by V. Petrova.

The initial, softest and most polite method of self-defense can be described as a "psychological barrier". With our polite and specific remarks, we can delimit our personal space, making it clear to the interlocutor that he is encroaching on someone else's territory. As a rule, after the first stage of self-defense, most of the aggressors retreat.

Most often, this method is used when strangers or unfamiliar people express their thoughts, comments or give us advice that we did not ask for.

Here are examples of similar responses:

Thanks for your attention, you don't need to worry about this.
Please don't worry about our business, we can figure it out ourselves.
Please don't pay so much attention ...
Please don't bother yourself ...
Excuse me, but is this your business? Don't say, “It's none of your business” - it sounds much more rude, and also avoid the wording “This is my business”, as it draws attention to your person (shifts the focus of others to your person), and not to the behavior of your opponent.
A possible option is to remind the attacker that only the court or the Lord God has the right to judge, and the aggressor has no right to give other people assessments. The strength of the influence of these words lies in the fact that each person latently understands that he himself is not ideal and has no moral right to point out to others. Any critic and boor can be ridiculed for assigning them the role of a judge: "Who are the judges?"
"On what basis are you asking me these questions?", "On what basis are you examining me?" - such answers are formalized, but it helps to maintain one's own confidence by associating it with the power of bureaucracy and confuse unbridled boors, who often operate in vernacular. The aggressiveness of such a response is significantly muted, and it can be used even in conversations with the authorities in case of strong pressure.
“Let God judge this. Or do you want to assume its functions? " It doesn't matter who you turn to - an atheist or a religious fanatic, it still works. Referral "to God" is an effective technique, because everyone understands that in giving an assessment to another person, he clearly exceeds his authority.

It is necessary to distinguish between rudeness and objective criticism.

All people make mistakes, and so do you. If you were criticized on the case (for example, in your point of view, you did not take into account some fact, did not notice something, made some mistake or oversight) - thank the critic, for example, with the words: “Yes, indeed, I did not take into account / took this fact into account. Thank you, I will keep in mind "," Thank you, I just did not notice it "," I'll think, thanks for the comment / information. "

A number of techniques for repulsing rude brutes are based on the principle of transferring attention from your personality to the personality of the attacker.

An example is the phrase of one of the characters in the film "Kin-dza-dza": "Did someone tell you that you are smart, or did you decide so yourself?"

Another option for switching attention to the personality of the rude person is to describe his actions.Any action of the interlocutor can be represented in the form of a picture, only written not with paints, but with your words.

A person who behaves unworthily, as a rule, does not realize that the unattractiveness of his behavior and the motives that force him to act in this way are perfectly visible to others, or simply supplants the understanding of this. Oddly enough, it seems to the aggressor that people perceive only his words, but they do not see him (do not appreciate). Therefore, in order to confuse the enemy, one should describe his behavior in the form of a visual picture, for example: "Do you yourself hear what you are saying?" or "Do you understand how you look now?"

People who like to speak for others, in particular to broadcast from the position of "higher values", "norms of morality and ethics", can also be put in place.

You should ask the person who, for example, accused you, who exactly was harmed by your actions. If not to him personally, then you are not obliged to talk to him, and even more so to report to him. Answer: "We will talk about this with the person whose interests were affected, but not with you."

If the aggressor claims that you are causing damage to many at once, say: “If you wish, you have the right to apply to the appropriate authorities” (for example, to your bosses, to the house management, to the police, to the court, etc.). But in no case do not get involved in a dispute you do not need. Do not make excuses, do not report to a person who is not official, whose responsibilities really include a legal assessment of your actions.

Talking to people who insist that you are harming some third party is not worth it, even if you have irrefutable evidence of your own innocence. Save this evidence in case authorized persons interfere with the case, to whom you really have to report.

The very fact that you have begun to make excuses to a stranger indicates that you have low self-confidence, it is easy for you to cause feelings of guilt, and you “owe” too much to others.

No matter how self-confident and arrogant a boor may seem to you, remember that there are people in the world with whom he is afraid to talk as he does to you.

Also, a rude person would not dare to behave in this way if the situation was seen by people whom he fears or whose opinion he values. You can appeal to them: “Why don't you repeat the same thing to such and such (say the name of this person’s boss, a relative whom he respects or fears, etc.)?”, “You don’t talk like that at work! "

Another option is to refer to virtual witnesses: "What do you think, what would a well-mannered person do in your place?" (you can name the name of a specific person whom the aggressor respects), "Why do you think other people do not do this?"

If a person who is in the line of duty behaves unworthily, you can comment on his behavior with the wish that a person who is honored by representatives of this profession heard his words.

Once the teacher called the student a swear word. He was not taken aback and said: "May Makarenko and Sukhomlinsky hear you."

The so-called method of Milton Erickson (a well-known hypnopsychotherapist), which used metaphors and stories, which contained a hint or an example of the behavior of the person to whom the story was intended, was very effective.

Metaphor is a kind of indirect suggestion. This word consists of two Greek roots: meta - "through" and fore - "to transfer." That is, a metaphor is a means of transfer. What does the metaphor carry over? She transfers meanings, bypassing conscious controls and barriers.

For example, here's a story about how not everything is as rude as it seems at first glance.

Once the wanderer stopped a strolling old man to find out how far it was still to the city.

Go, - he answered in monosyllables. The perplexed wanderer continued on his way, reflecting on the rudeness local residents... But he had not even gone fifty steps when he heard:

Wait! The old man stood on the road and shouted to the traveler:

You still have an hour to reach the city.

Why didn't you answer right away? the stranger exclaimed.

I had to see what step you are going, - the old man explained.

Or a story about hasty conclusions.

The knight walked through the desert. His journey was long. On the way, he lost his horse, helmet and armor. Only the sword remained. The knight was hungry and thirsty. Suddenly in the distance he saw a lake. The knight collected all the remaining strength and went to the water. But at the very lake sat a three-headed dragon.

The knight drew his sword and, with his last strength, began to fight the monster. He fought for a day, fought the second. He chopped off two heads of the dragon. On the third day, the dragon fell exhausted. An exhausted knight fell nearby, unable to stand on his feet and hold the sword any longer.

And then, with the last of his strength, the dragon asked:

Knight, what did you want?
Drink water.
Well, I would drink ...

And finally, remember the enchanting film "Formula of Love" and the calm rebuke of the doctor to the crook Cagliostro using illustrative examples from life:

Yes, yes, - agreed Cagliostro. - So many fables have been invented about me that I get tired of refuting them. Meanwhile, my biography is simple and common for people holding the title of master ... Let's start from childhood. I was born in Mesopotamia, not far from the confluence of the Tigris and Euphrates rivers, two thousand one hundred twenty-five years ago ... - Cagliostro looked around the audience, as if giving them the opportunity to understand what they had heard. - You are probably amazed at such an ancient date of my birth?

No, not amazing, - said the doctor calmly. - We had a clerk in the district, in the patchports, where the year of birth, only indicated one number. Ink, you rogue, you see, he saved. Then the matter became clear, he was sent to prison, but the patchport did not begin to be altered. The document is still.

How do you respond to insults from your husband, work colleagues, bosses, on the Internet, at school, and elsewhere? To answer this question, you need to find out how you need to behave in certain circumstances.

We live in an age of speed and radical change. People stopped communicating, and if they do it, then only in their free time, which is less and less. No, we are not talking about the fact that people do not talk, do not solve problems, labor issues. You can sit next to an employee for years, but still not understand - who is his family, is there a wife, children. We are now talking about something else - people have ceased to understand each other. Everyone is in the driver's position - for money, for fame, wealth, status, recognition, authority, etc. and in the heat of the chase, we do not notice important points.

Let's remember the last trip to public transport - metro, bus, trolleybus, tram. We will visually represent the faces of passengers - everyone looks in their "own" direction, thinks about something and looks more like a bundle of "nerves". And as soon as the slightest provocation arises, he sat down in a wrong way, accidentally stepped on his toe, touched him with his hand. A conflict immediately arises, and more like a fierce fight between animals - shouts, insults, humiliation, even physical assault.

It is not for nothing that old people say that people have lost something important, a thin thread that promotes complete mutual understanding and harmony. In the old days, everything was different. And this is not a myth, but really. There were warm words, people supported each other, communicated with neighbors, invited colleagues home for the holidays.

And how wonderful the solemn events were held - May 1, May 9 and other holidays. In the courtyard, tables were lined up in a row, covered with clean and white tablecloths, on top of each tenant of the house they brought something of their own, homemade and tasty. And what now - there is a feeling that people are trying to look for the worst words and expressions, they are trying to make their counterpart as painful as possible, to strike in the very heart, to stab a knife in the back.

How to understand - insult or do not know how to joke

Be that as it may, do not assume that everyone around him is waiting to inflict insults. Fortunately, there is still Life on this planet, that is, there are people who are able to behave adequately and not be rude to their neighbors and others. But still, there are times when you don't expect anything bad, one of the colleagues says what causes offense, pain. But do not rush to draw conclusions. Maybe he didn't want to get nasty? Or you misunderstood. How to figure it out?

Before you get offended, remember if this person has a reason to offend you?
Are his words really perceived only as a deliberate infliction of moral hurt? Can they be attributed to a bad joke.
Does the person have a reason to insult you?
How the rude person behaves - smiles aggressively or sweetly. Is he trying to present you in front of others in a stupid light.
And finally, the best method, but it concerns clarifying the relationship between close, familiar people. Talk to him and find out - what you did wrong, what he wanted to say in his own words. Perhaps you will be able to clarify the situation and put an end to your own doubts.

But even if it was a joke and not entirely successful, stop them immediately. Don't let someone humiliate or insult you, even in a casual manner. Nobody has the right to inflict moral pain.

Why people are rude: reasons for increasing aggression

Every day we ask ourselves what is happening to people. Why do they turn into a flock of animals, capable of tearing a person apart. The answers are given by experienced psychologists who study the interaction between people in society. Everything, as it turned out, begins with childhood. And what is there to be surprised at. If someone raises their eyebrows, they are clearly disingenuous. All the blame for exacerbating anger in society lies with the adults - the parents.

We don't have much free time. We are chasing earnings, we want to buy an apartment, arrange it better, buy a car, wear expensive clothes, go on vacation to the best lands. And what about the child? Even reading a fairy tale at night and that is a problem - there is no time. So that he does not demand attention to himself, we pay off - we give expensive gifts, sweets, then cars, separate apartments. As a result, a natural consumer grows up, into whose ears the words about honor, dignity, good breeding, decency, respect for others, etc. were not whispered into his ears in a gentle mother's voice.

School. There is already a community of people by interests. And as soon as a child gets into a flock of small "animals", he immediately tries to adopt their habits. That's right - who wants to stand out from the crowd. You need to be with those who are more, so there are more chances to stay "alive". That is, children dissolve in the mass of rude people, since, unfortunately, there are more of them - after all, we are raising a society of consumers.

We do not develop culturally, and after all, good characters were good examples of our parents and grandparents: Martin Eden, Jen Eyre, Don Quixote, Robinson Crusoe and other characters in popular works. What now? The maximum that young people are capable of is watching a movie on the Internet. But for the most part, children spend time in nightclubs, drink colossal amounts of alcohol, smoke tirelessly, fill themselves with energy drinks. On their comments on the network, without tears, you will not look at a continuous mat, swearing and 5 errors in a word of 4 letters. It seems that Russian lessons at school have been completely canceled.

It's fashionable to be evil! Yes, this statement takes place. We have repeatedly witnessed showdowns on live broadcasts of classmates, students, young guys. Now there are a huge number of videos on the network - reports with the beating of a bad girlfriend, a classmate who did not like it. Brutality breaks records.

Television, films. The main attribute of every home is a TV set, a computer. Films with rude and rude characters are constantly being played on it, because of which a cult of arrogance, aggression and enmity arose.

How to properly respond to an insult

And now let's move on to the analysis of specific situations that are faced by almost everyone without exception. After all, both close people - dad, mom, spouse, children, and strangers can inflict moral pain, insult. This is evidenced by the mass of unpleasant stories from school, institute, from work. What should be done in such circumstances? After all, few people are able to openly express aggression, especially to defend themselves from rudeness and rudeness, which in last years simply knows no boundaries. Experienced professionals provide advice.

Husband humiliates and insults

As a rule, when the husband begins to offend and morally suppress, to speak offensive and derogatory words, the woman does not remain in debt. So there are squabbles, quarrels, up to a complete rupture of relations. But this is not a solution to the problem. Why destroy your family when you can find a way to suppress your spouse's aggression. But first you need to find out why he does this.

Causes of spouse aggression

He's just an evil person. Spoiled by his parents, demanding attention to himself, he is not used to being denied something. We'll either have to re-educate, or endure, or break off relations. It is better to try to re-educate, but slowly, without breaking the knee.

There are accumulated problems at work. Talk to him, apparently you have a distrust, since he does not talk about his disagreements in relations with employees, bosses.

You are misbehaving. Please note, your spouse may still have a reason for dissatisfaction. Of course, insulting and humiliating is the last thing. But it also happens that, not knowing how to influence you, the husband attacks with unpleasant words and expressions.

You are tired of each other or he no longer wants to be with you. Talk to find out the reason for his anger. If there is no such passion and love as before, you are doomed to be irritated. Try to get some rest separately. If that doesn't work, you are pissed off by his presence, and he - yours - get a divorce.

He had another. This reason will not be long in coming. He will definitely compare you to the one on the side. It is still fresh there, passions are burning, he wants to plunge into a new relationship with his head. And here you are the same wife, in the usual dressing gown, with the usual conversations, dishes, etc. Here you need to choose - (which is very difficult) or let him go on all four sides, why endure insults and humiliation.

How to behave if your husband insults

Try to pretend you don't care about his insults. This is not easy to do, but you still have to try. Usually, pronouncing unpleasant words, a man is waiting for an answer - there must be a scandal. It may be silly, but many people get pleasure from the tension of the relationship. And then a complete ignore - it turns out there is no point in scolding, it does not give anything. No continuation!
Talk - maybe there is a reason. Find out the relationship, but try to agree in advance - without raising your tone. Quite often, such conversations help to align the alliance and not create conditions for the development of a larger conflict.
In no case do not answer him rudely. It will only get worse - someone has to be smarter, someone has to give in. Then, when his passions subside - talk.
If you can't talk - leave his eyes, you can go to another room, or for a walk. Don't give him a chance to further hurt and insult you.

How to respond to abuse at work

We spend most of our lives at work. And, of course, no one is immune from problems in relationships between employees. Therefore, you need to prepare in advance for the fact that unpleasant situations will arise. How to solve them. Well, do not leave after every quarrel or offensive words from work. Believe me, the next place of employment will be no better, you do not know how to cooperate, communicate with society - you sit at home and fulfill orders from the Internet. But it is worth understanding that this way you will be deprived of normal, human communication and very quickly get tired of loneliness, monotony and routine. Work at home should only be done according to the circumstances. And it's time for you to get smart and learn to respond to insults from colleagues, bosses.

Try to remain silent. This is especially true for situations on the roads, in public transport, in crowded places. To keep yourself in control, you need to think about it, you need to draw the attention of others to abusive language addressed to you.

If a situation arises at work, among classmates and colleagues, silence can play a cruel joke. This is a kind of signal to the offender - you can continue to behave this way in the future, and nothing will happen for it. Therefore, it is categorically impossible to be silent in this situation - put the aggressive comrade "in place" and no longer allow him to behave like that. Will repeat one more time - answer also, involve him in his behavior everyone's attention... Let everyone see how disgusting he is in his ugly behavior.

Before responding to rudeness, you should understand with whom you are in conflict. And consider if your answer is worth losing your job, student card... But even in this case, a self-respecting person should at least do something to stop the insults. At least talk, as much as possible to attract third parties and not allow the offender to inflict a moral blow again.

Try to "understand" the abuser. This situation concerns those who have been offended by the leadership or the person on whom much depends. Yes, it is not easy, but this "procedure" needs to be done. Approach the offender and talk as if you understand that he had no idea of \u200b\u200boffending your person. Indeed, in most cases, this is what happens - a person cannot always understand that he did something wrong, said the wrong words, or said too much in a fit of anger. You need to give time - let it "cool down" and have a conversation. Remind him that you yourself have found yourself in a position where you reluctantly insulted someone. The main thing is to realize your guilt, identify the causes of the conflict and put a fat point on mistrust, doubts and quarrels.

How to respond to online abuse

The World Wide Web is the most awful place! In it you can run into such insults that the mind is incomprehensible. Moreover, they can offend without any reason. There are simply such "idiots" who spend in social networks all their time and strive to insult someone. They even have a nickname "troll", and they "troll" people, cause them to conflict. What to do in such situations for those who did not even think to enter into an argument with anyone?

Don't waste your time with fools and don't get in touch with them. They are waiting for this! Otherwise, their activities are simply meaningless. Do not answer - he will go crazy, suffer, that is, receive "what he deserves." And you have only one thing - to laugh at him and not pay attention to his short-sighted, stupid actions.
If the abuse continues, contact the law enforcement agencies. There is an article that prosecutes trolls, inflicting a clear insult to the honor and dignity of a person.

How to do it:

take a screenshot, record the moment of insults;
try to collect as much information as possible about the troll;
work with an experienced lawyer;
write a statement to the authorities and attach everything that you have of evidence and information about the offender.

How to respond to insults at school

In childhood, we hear the first unpleasant things about ourselves. No one can get around this situation, especially those who do not know how to defend themselves firmly. We remember our school years with affection, but as soon as moments with humiliation and insults from classmates and high school students arise in our memory, our face is immediately darkened. Experts say that children's grievances are experienced by people very hard. They often accompany a person until the end of his days. What to do to stop bullying at school:

Try not to pay attention, but only once. Repeated humiliation must be answered. Talk to this person and ask what he wants from you. Perhaps there is a misunderstanding between you that should be clarified.
It is not possible to resolve the issue peacefully - try to answer. As a rule, boors are confident in their impunity. They create more noise around themselves, although in fact they are cowards by nature. Answer harshly, but don't become the same idiot. It doesn't help, he has formed a group, they continue to pressure you - talk to your parents.

Important: you should never be ashamed to ask your parents for help. School problems can have serious psychological and psychological consequences. They need to be stopped, and the offenders should know - for every rude word there is another word!

Parents whose children are subjected to humiliation need to communicate with the child more often and have frank conversations. Pay attention if your beloved child has become withdrawn, nervous. If it happens that he has suddenly fallen out of love with school, does not want to participate in school activities, spend time with classmates, and does not have friends in the classroom - you need to be wary. He's in serious trouble. The child is hiding everything, talk to his teacher. Anyway, do everything to clarify the situation and take action.

In cases where the conflict at school is associated with a group of very aggressive adolescents who behave in a threatening manner - do not hesitate, do not be afraid - write a statement to the police, as insults for such "types" are only the beginning, then the moment of assault may come.

How to respond to wife insults

Paradoxical, as it seems to someone, the situation. The wife humiliates and insults her husband. You will laugh, but this happens quite often. This can happen both in public and alone with the spouse. The first is a rare case, the second is all too often. Of course, what kind of man wants to admit that he is under the yoke of a fragile woman - no one! The reason for this behavior may be:

You have done a bad deed, you have changed. She may have forgiven, but she has not forgotten and is unlikely to forget! At every opportunity, he will remind you of your sin and will continue to insult and humiliate.
She grew up a spoiled, inadequate girl, her parents indulged in everything and encouraged her ugly behavior.
From the very beginning, the man did not make it clear that he was the head of the family, and she was the keeper of the hearth, creating comfort. But this does not mean that a man has the right to humiliate his spouse.
Your significant other is too tired of endless responsibilities. She simply cannot withstand physical exertion and cannot wait for your help. She has no choice but to express humiliating words and insults at you - this is how she gets rid of accumulated negative emotions. Help her, participate in family life, especially if there are children.
The man stopped paying attention to his wife, he no longer sees her as a woman. Yes, worries and troubles play a cruel joke with a woman's appearance. Give her a rest, let her put herself in order and remember her other destinations.
The wife grew up in a family where the same relationship reigned among her parents - her mother humiliated and covered her husband with abusive phrases. Now - copies the old life, and projects it onto the relationship with her husband.
The spouse is jealous of you for your children. You began to spend more time with them, although she deserves support and communication. She is also annoyed by the fact that a softer, compassionate daddy attracts children more than an overbearing and strict mom.
Hormonal problems. Negative behavior of the spouse can also be observed during diseases associated with the endocrine system. During pregnancy, with illness, she simply does not control her behavior. An appeal to the doctor is required, and in the case of pregnancy - patience to the husband.

What to do if a child offends

Building relationships with children is not easy. As soon as he reaches adolescence, the desire for independence immediately arises. Children want to break away from their parents and show that they are able to solve their problems themselves, to find contacts with the outside world. It is this world that most often becomes a provocateur of the child's negative behavior. Your own "I" is being formed little man and the biggest mistake parents make is not understanding the situation. Their head simply does not fit the fact that their child is doing something without them, ceases to ask permission for all actions, to share intimate things. This is how conflict situations... What to do?

First of all, forget that your child is your property. First of all, you gave birth to an individual person, not a free app!
Don't lose touch with your child. Do not stop close contact for a day - chat, talk, share secrets (available).
There is no need to indulge your child in everything - only fulfill those requests that you can afford.
Good deeds need to be encouraged - your child honestly deserves it. If you are wrong about something - talk, blame, but do not pretend that nothing happened. He should know that any negative offense is punished.
Help them make their desires come true, participate in his aspirations, back up with support and let him know - you believe in all his undertakings, talents and opportunities.

The main thing is to look for common ground and conduct a dialogue with the child, husband, wife. Be not only a parent, soul mate, but also best friend his beloved child, husband, wife. And it is advisable that you maintain a friendly relationship for life - and this requires constant work.