We are afraid to show feelings, because we are not always sure that another person needs them, and because of our own fears we miss the chance to become closer to the one who is dear to us, the chance to find our happiness.
According to Elena Kuznetsova, director of the Vladimir dating agency I and You, family psychologist and interpersonal relationship consultant, our fears of appearing obsessive are often unjustified. They come from our heads from our own complexes: excessive suspiciousness.
“We assess any situation from the height of our bell tower, and therefore everything is only our fears. Someone else from the greats said that the border of your ego is the border of your consciousness. That is, we ourselves create problems for ourselves and cultivate complexes in ourselves. And if for some reason you think that you are imposing yourself on a person, then, most often, you are mistaken, ”says the psychologist.
At the same time, most of all we are afraid to show obsessive when. This is normal - all our fears are exacerbated at the moment when we are interested in a relationship, because we do not want to lose someone who is dear to us. In a situation where we don't need a person, we behave very naturally. We are not afraid to ask: “They will send it, they will send it like that,” we do not react to rudeness: “What to do, the interlocutor is a boor,” we think. That is, we do not perceive any feedback from a counterpart to our own account, as in the case of interest in a partner.
Obsession is ...
Elena Kuznetsova defined obsession as follows: ignorance of measure, lack of tact and manifestation of selfishness - all taken together. In real life, compulsion manifests itself in the repeated repetition of the same situation. Moreover, the actions are performed rapidly, one by one, practically without time intervals.
But in the above situation, the woman with her proposals did not look intrusive, because some time passed between her proposals, during which she may have met with the subject of her interest under other circumstances, for example, at work, and saw the man's reaction to her person, she could evaluate this very reaction.
“Imposition is a package of actions that are carried out rapidly, that is, an attempt to“ shove ”everything, which should last several months, into one day. The imposition has a short-term period, ”the psychologist emphasizes.
When in a relationship ...
At the stage of conquering a man or woman, one must act very subtly so as not to frighten off the object of passion. When they feel more confident, but here they may face another danger - the belief that having a partner gives him the right to tightly control him. For example, arrange interrogations or call at any time of the day.
A typical situation is when a woman and a man agree to call, and the man should be the first to call. and begins to annoy his partner with calls with statements like: “I'm tired of waiting, you promised to call me tomorrow, and I decided at night today. And in general, I tried to get through to you, you did not pick up the phone. I tried to get through once again ... ". This . It is important to treat your partner with reverence, to compromise, to be able to hear your loved one.
Another example: a man and a woman agree in the morning to have dinner in the evening. Before we had time to leave, the lady calls: "See you in the evening?" An hour later - again: "Is everything in power?" An hour later: "Have you already chosen a restaurant?" and so on - hourly calls throughout the day.
“There is no need to“ bother ”your partner with endless personal calls. Frequent calls are justified only if you resolve some business issues, ”says Kuznetsova.
The psychologist also notes that it is always important to be attentive - how quickly he answered, for example, your call or message.
“Women are very fond of pulling off phraseology. Men are often short in nature by nature. And here the young lady must try to do everything in a metered manner, wait for the partner's reaction. For example, she took the initiative, asked something, the man should answer her. After that, if the woman still has any questions, she should think about whether she calls her partner in time, maybe it is worth postponing the conversation, because her man is still at work and is not inclined to personal conversations. All these moments need to be subtly felt and taken into account, ”advises an interpersonal relationship consultant.
About male obsession ...
Most often, women who conquer men are called obsessive. Representatives of the stronger sex, persistently winning a passion, are ranked among the heroes. This is due to our mentality and upbringing.
Historically, a Russian, and a woman, should be glorified for her modesty, Kuznetsova notes. It just so happened that a lady, as a weaker creature, sits at the window and waits for her prince, who, after meeting her beloved, must take care of her for a while and give her buttercups-flowers. And if the young lady does not fall into the arms of the prince, then it is normal for a man to show perseverance and.
Elena Kuznetsova, director of the dating agency "Me and you", family psychologist. Phone 8-920-909-62-35.However, representatives of the stronger sex are also intrusive. At the stage of conquest, this can be manifested in the fact that they categorically and continue to push even after the woman has already openly said several times that she does not want a relationship.
When people are in an alliance, a man's obsession can manifest itself in overprotection in relation to a lady. There are representatives of the stronger sex who call their girlfriend hourly and ask her if she ate, if she is warmly dressed, if she got her feet wet, and so on. Perhaps, some young ladies will like such unnecessary care, but some will be annoyed.
If you have questions to psychologist Elena Kuznetsova, you can ask them by writing a letter to the address of the editorial office of AiF-Vladimir: [email protected] .
Remember how good it was before, people could freely and calmly, without fear of what they would think, come, or at least call and talk to their relatives, about what interests them or worries. Now there are many ridiculous, in my opinion, questions or assumptions that we are not expected, and now people have a lot of different problems that they are busy with, and imposing once again would be a bad form.
Especially lonely people think so.who have friends or good acquaintances with their families. They assume from the very beginning that they will not be welcome. Of course, I am not suggesting that you remind the same people about yourself every week, or even every day, but you cannot draw conclusions about yourself for others. Since you are absolutely definitely not able to objectively assess what others think of you.
When a person from the outside seems not sociable, lonely and indifferent, then other people try to protect themselves from him. Therefore, my advice to you is to seem intrusive, if you try to meet halfway, then the likelihood of reciprocity from the other person will be easier to achieve, do not be afraid to hear a refusal - this is normal.
I noticed that the older a person gets, the less he wants to go out somewhere, and he gets all the joy from life being at home in a calm atmosphere. And having got used to this state, it is difficult for him to change anything. For example, my parents: they used to go to various gatherings and meetings with joy and great desire, but now it costs me great moral, first of all, labor to take them somewhere. But, if it succeeds, they never regret it.
Remember, life does not end, not at 20, not at 40, and not 60, you choose your own time, how, where and with whom to live and meet. But, if you come up with possible additional negative thoughts that have nothing to do with reality, then until the end of your life you can live in some kind of incomprehensible fear, make a mistake, or once again bother good people.
Have you ever thought about the fact that these people, on the contrary, are waiting for such a person who will shake them up and change the usually sluggish and everyday day off, which most of us spend stupidly lying on the couch, at the TV screen or computer. So by no means do not be afraid to be intrusive to other people, otherwise you will seem indifferent!
P.S. And, of course, as always, at the end of each article, a new excellent musical composition : Loya feat. Jake Sean & Jigan - Take Care Of Love! New hit 100%, I recommend!
We are not learning to be artists, painters or writers - we are learning to be.
We live in a terrible time: we are afraid to scratch the iPhone, but we are not afraid to shit in people's souls.
Running away from reality, we are running away from ourselves. Then we get lost in the space of thoughts, and rave about obsessive ideas that cannot be realized in reality.
We are afraid of everything, as befits mortals, and we want everything, as if rewarded with immortality.
Sometimes it happens that those we know best we don't know at all.
Among the little ones we seem to be big, but among the big ones we Grow !!!
Some people try so hard to seem like they forget to be.
The greatest human stupidity is fear. Fear of doing something, talking, confessing. We are always afraid and that's why we fail so often.
We must truly love each other, live in peace and harmony. Instead, we quarrel and fight. It should not be.
We must love more than be loved. We must give more than we take. We need to be more open than closed to new ideas. Life is short, so let's enjoy what it has to offer.
25 quotes from Erich Maria Remarque, a writer with a huge heart, who wrote about love so deeply and soulfully that it is impossible to tear yourself away from his works:
- A person can become close to you in three days. And the one who has lived next to you for years may never know what is your favorite color.
- When you find yours, you don't even want to look at something else.
- The most fragile thing on earth is a woman's love. One wrong step, word, glance and nothing can be restored.
- The strongest feeling is disappointment. Not resentment, not jealousy and not even hatred ... after them at least something remains in the soul, after disappointment - emptiness.
- What can one person give to another, except a drop of warmth? And what could be more than that? Just don't let anyone near you. And if you let it go, you want to keep it. And nothing can be kept ...
- An apology does not mean that you are wrong and the other person is right. It just means that the value of your relationship is more important than your own ego.
- Your person is not the one who “feels good with you” - hundreds of people can feel good with you. Yours - "bad without you."
- If a soul is drawn to someone, do not resist. She is the only one who knows exactly what we need.
- It's just that we are strangers who accidentally walked some part of the path together, without understanding each other.
- Stay friends? To plant a small vegetable garden on the cooled lava of faded feelings? No, this is not for you and me. This only happens after small intrigues, and even then it turns out quite fake. Love is not stained with friendship. The end is the end.
- No person can become more a stranger than someone you loved in the past.
- We will never forget each other, but we will never return each other.
- Love hates explanation. She needs action.
- Remember one thing, boy: never, never, never again will you be funny in the eyes of a woman if you do something for her.
- It seemed to me that a woman should not tell a man that she loves him. Let her shining, happy eyes speak about this. They are more eloquent than any words.
- Women should be either idolized or abandoned. Everything else is a lie.
- We are so afraid of being intrusive that we seem indifferent..
- The greatest hatred arises for those who managed to touch the heart, and then spat in the soul.
- I stood next to her, listened to her, laughed and thought, how terrible it is to love a woman and be poor.
- It's hard to find words when you really have something to say.
- The more you try to get someone who doesn't appreciate you, the more painful the blows of his indifference will be for you.
- Trying to forget someone means remembering him all the time.
- People who believe that no one needs them, in fact, are often the most needed.
- It doesn't matter how often you see each other - it is important what these meetings mean to you.
- The first person you think about in the morning and the last person you think about at night is either the reason for your happiness or the reason for your pain.
I am tired, and tired of my weariness.
Life on loan
To understand something, a person needs to experience a catastrophe, pain, poverty, the proximity of death.
Life on loan
Only the unfortunate knows what happiness is.
Three comrades
All the loud words about happiness pale before the word "disease."
Shadows in paradise
At midnight, the universe smells like stars.
Because it's night now. Because, if you want to know, we are all like sparks driven by an unknown wind.
Triumphal Arch
When there are no quarrels, it means that everything will be over soon.
She hadn’t given up yet, but she hadn’t fought anymore.
Erich Maria Remarque "Night in Lisbon"
After all, a miracle always awaits us somewhere near despair.
Erich Maria Remarque "A Time to Live and a Time to Die"
You never have to go back anywhere.
EM. Remarque "Time to live and time to die".
Life on loan
Living life in peace is what seems like the most incredible adventure today.
"Triumphal Arch"
The less self-esteem a person has, the more he is worth.
Only the dead could really judge what war is: only they alone knew everything to the end.
Black obelisk
Every experience is worth something. And as long as it's only money, it's okay.
Promised land
Hope dies harder than man himself.
Promised land
Only the simplest consoles. Water, breath, evening rain. Only one who is alone understands this.
E. Remarque "Arc de Triomphe"
Only the cows are just happy these days. Or maybe they don't. Maybe only stones.
Time to live and time to die
You are alive! How many people have accepted death, and so wanted to live a little more, even a little more!
Promised land
What is repeated often can no longer hurt so much.
love thy neighbour
It's as simple as that. Love is when you want to grow old with someone.
"Triumphal Arch"
Everything in the world depends only on a little bit of heat.
love thy neighbour
An incurable cancer of the soul.
Overnight in Lisbon
Only a dream helps us to come to terms with reality. E.M. Remark "Arc de Triomphe"
Peace, fireplace, books, silence ... Previously, this was seen only as philistine. Now these are dreams of a lost paradise.
Triumphal Arch
Reflection can be as exhausting as a strenuous run.
"Spark of Life"
I have no future. None. You have no idea how much it makes it easier.
"Life on loan"
The less self-esteem a person has, the more he is worth.
What can one person give to another besides a drop of warmth? And what could be more than that?
We are so afraid of being intrusive that we seem indifferent.
Ah, we are all children, lost, stupid children, and the night always lies in wait for our home.
Return
You think that I am wasting my money, and I think that you are wasting your life.
Life on loan
We live in an era of paradoxes. For the sake of preserving peace, we are forced to wage war.
Overnight in Lisbon
There is more unhappiness in life than happiness. That it doesn't last forever is just mercy.
Overnight in Lisbon
Do not take anything from your previous life with you. Nothing! And do not look back - from this you only get tired and lose strength.
love thy neighbour
Are you smiling and are you so calm? Why don't you scream?
- I scream, but you do not hear.
Time to live and time to die
Only a dream helps us to come to terms with reality.
Triumphal Arch
The greatest danger lies in wait for the one who thinks that he has already been saved.
Promised land
Hatred of foreigners is the surest sign of ignorance.
Promised land
A person can become close to you in three days. And the one who has lived next to you for years may never know what is your favorite color.
Reflection can be as exhausting as a strenuous run.
Spark of life
I stood next to her, listened to her, laughed and thought, how terrible it is to love a woman and be poor.
Erich Maria Remarque "Three Comrades"
- What a dark fantasy you have.
- Fantasy? I have a dark experience.
Life on loan
During war, all people's ideas about happiness are always associated with food.
Time to live and time to die
Loneliness is a very proud and extremely harmful disease.
Promised land
Loneliness has nothing to do with whether we know a lot or not.
Black obelisk
Who is alone will never be abandoned. But sometimes, in the evenings, this house of cards collapses, and life turns into a completely different melody - haunting with sobs, whipping up wild whirlwinds of longing, desires, discontent, hope - the hope of breaking free from this stupefying nonsense, from the senseless twisting of this organ, to break out no matter where. Ah, our pitiful need for a little warmth; two hands and a face bending towards you - is that, is it? Or, too, deception, and therefore retreat and flight? Is there anything in this world other than loneliness?
A lonely person cannot be abandoned. Oh this miserable human need for a grain of warmth. And is there really anything other than loneliness.
When a person is young, he doesn't get hurt. When he is very old - also not. But in between, he has a hard time.
love thy neighbour
If a person is over seventy, then this is an advantage: he risks not so much a piece of life ...
love thy neighbour
They say the first seventy years are the hardest to live. And then things will go smoothly.
Three comrades
If we constantly lived with the consciousness of imminent death, we would be more human and merciful.
Life on loan
A rejected, isolated slice of life in the territory of inevitable death.
Spark of life
Reason is given to man so that he understands that it is impossible to live by reason alone.
"Life on loan"