Intimidation in upbringing Kids are frightened by Baba Yaga and Babayka, who "will come and take you if you misbehave." Among the "formidable figures" you can also often find "a policeman who will take you to prison" and " a doctor who will give an injection ". Other common methods of intimidation are “I'm leaving, but you stay!”, “If you behave like this, I'll give you to that aunt over there, I don't need such a child.” An older child who cannot be dealt with is often intimidated by the parents themselves: "But the father will come, he will show you!"

This method is often quite effective in specific situations, but by and large does more harm than good... A frightened child often stops acting badly, but he does so only because fear is truly paralyzing... Without doing the undesirable, he is not able to fulfill the desired, and certainly not able to consciously control his behavior.

In essence, by acting through fear, we exploiting the child's instincts, while the goal of education is to develop conscious behavior. As a result, the child behaves as it should not because he understands that it is right, realizes the meaning of this and not only because to please the mother. He's just afraid.

Of course, the use of intimidation contributes to the development of serious fears in the child and increased anxiety. Children become afraid of the dark , they are terrified of being alone at home, they may have a whole bunch of various fears that are not directly related to parental "horror stories". Not to mention the fact that children, who are periodically frightened by police and doctors, do not trust these people. professions, which can negatively affect in a critical situation.

Is it possible to completely do without intimidation and is there any “healthy” alternative to this?? Indeed, in our real life there are really many dangers, especially for an inexperienced kid. therefore certainly, you cannot do without warnings in education... Fear is a protective mechanism in our psyche designed to warn us of dangers and risks.

The difference between a warning against intimidation is that the warning is about real dangers., and by intimidating the child, the parent adds new, imaginary fears and dangers to his world. Being afraid to cross a busy road and being afraid of Babu Yaga are not the same thing.

It is important to talk about the objective negative consequences of the child's behavior... So, for example, the phrase "If you play around, I will give you over to that policeman" is intimidation. And the phrase "If you play on the stairs, you can fall from a height and break your arm" - this is a warning.

Caution also plays on the child's sense of fear, so it is important to be aware that this is done solely to preserve life and health, and not for our own convenience in education . Just ask yourself the question: "Am I scaring the child now, because he is really in danger, or because I need him to obey?" In the case of the second answer, it is worth looking for other methods of influence.

However, even using cautions, be very sensitive to the condition and characteristics of the child. Vulnerable, anxious children take various scary pictures of possible consequences very close to their hearts.... And if you paint in paints such a child that you can hurt yourself by falling from a height, he may flatly refuse to come close to the stairs at the playground.

Be careful in your choice of words when communicating with your child and do not frighten the child. After all, his rich imagination can give rise to monstrous images in his mind that will

Phrases aimed at scaring away ..

Types of spoilage.

"A spear wound will heal, a tongue wound will not heal."

Kazakh proverb

Damage can be conditionally divided into several main directions:

Phrases aimed at scaring away;

Intimidating phrases;

Phrases aimed at wishing harm in general;

Phrases aimed at wishing for specific harm (for example, a specific disease).

(Love damage stands apart and does not fall under this classification, and we will also talk about it, only a little later).

Based on this conditional division of types of damage, you can analyze them in more detail.

These are rather short phrases, within one, maximum two sentences. The purpose of the phrase is to create short-term confusion among the aggressor and gain an advantage to resolve the conflict by delivering a preemptive strike (at least) or withdrawing (at the most).

For example, a well-proven scaring phrase for a gypsy who harasses you on the street is the phrase: "How is your husband?" Phonetically, the phrase is scary. If we add to this the semantic (semantic) content of the phrase (as a rule, gypsies have bad relations with their husbands), then the phrase instantly "unsettles."

If you did not leave immediately and the harassment continues, you can add to this the phrase: "Is everything hitting?"

Phonetically and semantically, both phrases contribute to intense confusion, which makes it possible to quickly escape from conflict.

These phrases, developed empirically, have been repeatedly tested in practice by both us and our friends. Even without taking into account the additional points associated with tempo, intonation, speech volume, etc. (paraverbal), the phrases work flawlessly.

To scare off a bully on the street, phrases such as: "Shuruy right now, they are already shaking my garbage" have proven themselves perfectly. Or: "Hey, you can go where you went or stand where you stand." Option: "Hey, you can stand where you were going or go, where you are."

After such phrases, it is best to quickly hide or, in extreme cases, kick hard in the crotch. In any case, the advantage is yours, as the bully is confused.

The phrase "I am much worse" works perfectly to bring down someone who unjustly accuses you.

To scare away a boorish-minded visitor, for example, phrase variants are suitable:

“I have already forgotten your rudeness, be glad, get out of it, another time I'll tear it up”;

"I have already forgotten your rudeness, but another time I will tear it apart";

"Be glad, get out, another time I'll tear it apart."

The phrase "I will punish, I will punish terribly, shuffle from sin" works perfectly.

Quite effective phrases:

“You still have forty-six seconds at your disposal”;

“What else do you say before you leave, I'm listening”;

“Tell me, what is the purpose of your arrival?”;

“One more word - and regrets will torture you”;

“Are you leaving already or do I need to hear you out? ";

“The purpose of your arrival is to quarrel”! ”;

“Maybe you’ll leave?”;

"Your possibilities for generating hostility are incomprehensible."

In these cases, the most appropriate after uttering the phrase is to break the communication. The ideal option is to leave quickly. If you are not on the street next to the bully, then you can turn away sharply.

The effect of the phrase is longer. The goal is for the person being bullied to fear you later. As a rule, after such phrases, the person is afraid of you and avoids meeting with you. Classic phrases of this kind are:

“And I spoil quite well. You will wait ";

"But I'm good at spoiling";

"I will punish for rudeness";

"By the way, I'm good at spoiling";

"I will punish, I will punish terribly, do you feel a trembling?";

"I will destroy your past and future with corruption";

"I'll break the gills."

By themselves, in their meaning, phrases do not imply a wish for harm. However, phonetically, they are pretty scary. Naturally, the effect is greatly enhanced if the threat of damage is addressed to a person who, at least in general terms, understands what "damage" is.

Phrases aimed at wishing harm in general.

These are phrases like: "I will freeze my veins with horror"; "You will decompose alive"; "You will turn black quickly from a hernia";

"I will thin my brains with heat";

"The worms will devour."

These can be combinations of similar phrases, for example, recitative: “And I will punish for rudeness. I bring fear and horror. You will quickly turn black with a hernia. The worms will eat it alive. "

This recitative, being phonetically scary and powerful, is aimed at hard coding. Its action is comparable to a blow to the head with shafts. The phrases also worked well:

"Maybe there is a desire to get aversion to existence, you can";

"You will see that I will freeze terror in your veins, you will be like a blackened firebrand";

“Only after repenting well, will you remove the corruption and fear the vengeance of the Divine”;

"You will receive terrible torment";

"You will turn into a blackened firebrand";

"Feel the hour of Divine vengeance."

These phrases, being scary in sound, are easy to remember and make people correlate any misfortune, or any deterioration in health, with a remembered phrase. As a result, a healthy person gets neurosis, and a neurotic aggravates what he already has.

Phrases aimed at the wish of specific harm.

These are phrases like:

“Maybe you want to feel heat in your stomach? It's possible";

"The abdomen will swell and the hernia will turn out";

"You will earn skin irritation";

"You can open your eyes";

“You’re already combing yourself, the pig is lousy, the skin of the face is already lousy”;

"Once you yell, you'll get a hernia";

Such phrases contribute to the formation of psychosomatic disorders, especially skin diseases such as eczema.

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Fear makes people feel fearful and timid, as well as an inability to achieve social status or the desired result. Although intimidation is considered a negative quality in many interpersonal interactions, the ability to intimidate can be beneficial in sports, business and other competitive environments. If you learn to instill fear in people, then they will not be able to instill fear in you.

Steps

Physically intimidate

Stand up straight. Body language is very important when it comes to showing a certain attitude. If you look as tall and as confident as possible, you will appear more intimidating. Therefore, be sure to practice good posture. You can even lean forward a little when interacting with other people.

Fill the space with yourself. Whenever you are sitting, standing or walking, try to take up as much space as possible. This will indicate that you occupy a dominant position in the space around you and that you are confident in yourself.

• If you are walking, move your arms freely (swing them, spread them to the sides, etc.).
• If you are sitting, sit back and keep your arms and legs open and free.
• If you are standing, spread your legs and arms apart whenever possible.

1. Place your hands on your hips. When standing in front of or near other people, place your hands on your hips and keep them in an open position away from your body. In many ways, this pose is considered authoritative and can instill fear.

   Stay in the way of other people. If you physically occupy a space that another person is trying to cross, he will either have to collide with you or step aside. Most people will want to avoid a direct collision and will either ask if you can skip them, or slip by without bothering you. In any case, you will look intimidating.

   • Try this technique by blocking hallways, stairwells, doorways, and more.
   • Want to appear even more intimidating? If anyone asks if you could skip it, say something like, "Oh, I didn't see you."

2. Cross your arms. If you are standing, walking, or sitting, cross your arms over your chest. In many cases, this will seem intimidating or aggressive.

   • Be sure to cross your arms over your chest and squeeze them firmly. If you cross your arms on your lower body, or if your grip is loose, it will show timidity rather than power.

3. Frown. While a smile signals friendliness and docility, a frown expresses aggression, anger, or dissatisfaction. This can give people a little fear of talking to you, which can be the desired effect if you want to appear intimidating.

   Point with your finger. Pointing your finger at something or someone, especially a person, will make you look overbearing and convincing. In some cases, it may even seem like a slightly rude or aggressive gesture. However, if you want to look like a scary person, this might be a really good option.

   Build muscle. Research shows mixed conclusions, but many believe that a lean body is associated with more aggressiveness and is considered more intimidating to others. If your muscles make you feel more intimidating, then this is the option for you. Try different muscle building methods to increase your muscle mass.

   Don't fidget or fuss. Tapping with an arm or leg, swinging from side to side, wringing the arms, and similar body movements all demonstrate anxiety. If you are trying to appear more intimidating, sit still and move with awareness. This kind of body language signals self-confidence.

   Look well groomed. Taking care of your clothes and personal hygiene, and looking clean and tidy in general, will exude determination and confidence. Get in the habit of grooming yourself and see if you become more intimidating.

   Maintain a neutral facial expression. Many of our emotions are conveyed through facial expressions: we smile when we are happy, frown when we disagree, open our mouths when we are surprised, and so on. Keeping your expression neutral and showing less emotion will make you appear more intimidating.

   • Learn not to smile, laugh, frown, or show other emotions in situations that usually trigger them. You can even practice in front of a mirror or with a friend to perfect this technique.

4. Maintain eye contact. In many cultures, eye contact is considered intimidating. Learn to look people directly in the eyes when you talk to them. You may feel more intimidating and more likely to notice that others react accordingly.

   Behave intimidating in society

   1. Speak clearly. Self-confidence or lack of it is expressed in a person's intonation. If you mumble, sound insecure, or whimper when speaking, you can hardly be called a determined person. However, speaking in a clear, even tone at a moderate to high volume will exude confidence and appear intimidating in a positive way.

      • If you find it difficult to speak clearly or evenly, then try to think a little about your words first. This will give you time to prepare your speech. This will also demonstrate that you are confident enough not to worry about a little pause, and that in itself will make you more threatening in the eyes of others.

   2. Be decisive when communicating. You can demonstrate your self-confidence by communicating, thereby increasing your level of intimidation. This means that you need to perform similar actions:

Psychology of communication and interpersonal relations Ilyin Evgeniy Pavlovich

5.5. Threats (intimidation)

5.5. Threats (intimidation)

Threats are another way of influencing a person. A threat is a promise to cause trouble, harm to a person. It is used to cause anxiety or fear in a person: anxious, and even more frightened, a person easily succumbs to someone else's influence.

Intimidation can be both overt (“If you don’t change your mind, you’ll stay for the second year,” the teacher says to the student), and hidden (for example, when parents tell the child: “If you don’t eat porridge, you won’t grow up,” this is a threat to child as he wants to grow up).

As a factor of interpersonal influence, intimidation is most common in such social relationships, the break of which is difficult or impossible (army, family, educational institutions, prison).

The use of intimidation (threat) is less effective than flattery because the fear caused by the threat is usually fleeting, and the dizziness caused by constant flattery can last a long time. On the other hand, it is easier to provoke anxiety and fear than to seduce a person.

Why bullying can be ineffective

Most of the lectures. on anti-alcohol topics is devoted to the explanation of the harmful, dangerous consequences of drinking alcohol. At the same time, each specialist - some with the help of statistics, some with examples - scares his listeners that they are threatened with the birth of feeble-minded children, family breakdown, obesity of the heart, cirrhosis of the liver, an accident at work or on the street, a psychiatric hospital or prison. And although all these and many other dangers are not exaggerated at all, they are not absolute, but probabilistic, statistical in nature. And so a person who is especially prone to excess in the use of alcohol (that is, just the one who has the risk of suffering more), thinks: "Maybe all this is so, but it does not apply to me." Moreover, when one day in a speech by a traffic police officer it sounded that every third of the victims of road accidents was intoxicated, there were defenders of the green snake, who, either seriously, or jokingly, began to prove that it is more dangerous to be sober on the street, since two out of three victims were sober.

LinchevskyE. E.,1982, p. 26.

"Innocent" blackmail is also used (friendly hints about mistakes, mistakes made by the addressee in the past; joking mention of "old sins" or personal secrets of the addressee).

This text is an introductory fragment. From the book How to Raise a Successful, Happy and Obedient Child author Chub Natalya

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If you don't go to brush your teeth, Moidodyr will appear and give you a headwash. If you don’t finish eating, Baba Yaga will eat you. You lie on the edge - a gray top will come and bite on the barrel. Adults often resort to the help of fairy tale characters to get the child to obey.
But is bullying really an effective parenting method? And will it not lead to problems in the future life of the child? The Village discussed this difficult issue with an educator and psychologist.

Anna Fedosova

Montessori teacher, expert of the community "Montessori.Children"

When a parent scares a child in order to achieve obedience, a message is broadcast to the child: "I, your main protection and support in the world, can leave you." The condition that is assigned further does not change the fact that there are circumstances in which the parent can leave the child or someone angry will separate the child from the parent. The younger the child, the greater the scale of the emotional catastrophe. For a baby, mom is almost the whole world, for a preschooler, an important part of the world, but even for younger schoolchildren and adolescents, parents are important, and relationships with them remain to some extent a prototype of all other relationships. If a parent can leave me, then everything in this world that is dear to me can betray me and leave me.

Of course, a single case is unlikely to cause the deepest trauma for life, although much depends on the emotional stress in the situation and the child's impressionability. But, unfortunately, most often the child is threatened more than once. In Russia, bullying is a fairly common pedagogical technique. This is not to say that this does not contribute to how many gloomy adults in our country do not expect generosity from life and harbor the fear that all happiness will turn into disappointment. There is even a sign on this score: laughing a lot - to tears.

In most cases, when a parent responds with a threat to unwanted behavior instead of explaining what is bad and how to fix it, the adult gives a vaguely negative assessment of the situation (do not behave badly), or even the personality as a whole (do not be capricious, greedy). or requires something that is impossible to fulfill only one desire (to fall asleep, calm down).

Usually the child has no intention of behaving badly: he behaves as he could think of. He has a need that he wants to satisfy, but does not know how, or there are feelings, perhaps, that do not bring joy to him. Until the parent has shown how to behave correctly, and the child has not understood and remembered this, the unclear “stop behaving badly, otherwise ...” is more like “stop acting, stop being yourself”. Instead of helping the child figure out how he might behave, we teach the child to reject either himself or some of his feelings. This is a serious blow to self-esteem, the child's belief in his own significance and success, and congruence.

Most parents are unaware of how small a child is able to learn while he is afraid. The developing brain of a child in a stressful situation focuses on what he already knows, and not on assimilating new things. He throws all efforts at survival at the expense of learning, even if the situation is not dangerous, but only assessed as threatening. Fear teaches only one thing well - to stay away from anything that is associated with the terrible. Fear prevents you from drawing more complex conclusions.

If it is not a character (Baba Yaga, Moidodyr) that is used for intimidation, but a real collective image (random counter, policeman, doctor), then the child begins to be afraid of such people. That is, adults themselves teach children not to trust new acquaintances, to avoid police officers and doctors. It is one thing to teach children to keep their parents in the crowd and never allow themselves to be led away by an outsider, and quite another to teach them to see everyone as a threat. Then it will take more than one training in social competence for the grown-up child to become sociable and proactive in communicating with new people. And, of course, there is no need to teach a child to be afraid of those who, according to their duty, should help us.

In general, a child who has believed in parental threats experiences constant stress caused by fear, which at least inhibits his development, and at most can provoke such nervous behavior as enuresis, stuttering, tics, and nail biting.

In addition, sooner or later, the child comes to understand that the threat to adults will not be fulfilled: the mother will not leave him, no matter how much she threatens; grandmother does not give to someone else's uncle, although she has promised so many times; contrary to my father's stories, no Babay, no matter how capricious the child was, took him away. The child begins to suspect that the parents are not telling the truth. Unfortunately, this does not cancel the listed negative effects, but only adds one more. An adult not only loses the habitual opportunity to influence the child with a horror story for coercion - he himself reveals to the child his helplessness in establishing discipline when he vainly appeals for the help of a frightening external factor.

The child needs protection and guidance not only in fact, but also psychologically. It is important for him to feel that he, who does not understand much in the world around him, is under the protection of the care of loving and authoritative adults. Behind almost every intolerable child's behavior is the unspoken hope of grasping the boundaries of what is acceptable. Children need not only restrictions and rigid guidance: the game is beautiful, not the rules, but the game without rules ceases to exist. Restrictions give freedom of action, the absence of restrictions gives chaos.

It is important to understand that bullying has nothing to do with informing or being able to face consequences. When we inform the child about the danger and explain how to specifically act to avoid this danger, we help the child become more aware, knowledgeable, successful.

If the danger is great and we cannot allow the child to face it, we establish rules of behavior and make sure that the child follows the rule. If the danger is small, then you can warn the child, make sure that he understands, and give him freedom of action. At the same time, it is important to be ready to accept any outcome, not to gloat, and to help cope with the consequences. In doing so, you help your child learn to take responsibility, deal with problems, and follow the rules and constraints in your family, kindergarten or school that he attends.

Natalia Smirnova

psychologist center for practical psychology "Magikato"

Scaring is a futile exercise. Fear generates uncertainty in front of the world around us, gives rise to anxiety. The child becomes less likely to become successful in life. Why do parents scare children? We, parents, do this in cases where we cannot explain something to a child, agree with him, force him to do as we think is right.

The psyche of a child under five is designed in such a way that he takes everything said by his parents at face value. Depending on the temperament and impressionability, each child reacts to horror stories in different ways: sanguine people ignore information about Baba Yaga, and the melancholic then wakes up in horror from nightmares on this topic. Also, the child's psyche is arranged in such a way that a fictional character is perceived as real. And all sorts of Mymry and Babayki are overgrown with additional details. And if this character from the child's fantasies appears before the parents in the form of a living picture, then, believe me, the parent will also be horrified. This can be evidenced by children's drawings about fears that children draw during consultations with psychologists.

The collection of scary images can vary. For example, if you scare a child with a police uncle who goes after bad guys, then be prepared for the fact that you form a distorted image of the profession. After all, what are these bad guys, the child conjectures himself. And if he is lost, then he feels bad, which means that he will not turn to the policeman for help, but will run away from him. Another common way to scare is a doctor with an injection. This is an age-old scarecrow, it was tested by our parents and sounds especially convincing. As a result, children are madly afraid of doctors.

I would like to recommend that parents take the time to explain to the child what is good and what is bad, what can be done and what is not. Calmly and without horror stories. Then you will get a confident, calmly sleeping child, who in the future will not have to spend money on psychologists.

Illustration: Nastya Grigorieva