Daily on Earth for various reasons is dying a huge number of people, leaving behind close people who sincerely mourn them. The experience of heavy loss in the form of depression or even deep grief after the death of a loved one (for example, mom or husband) is an absolutely normal response to such a loss. And especially acute people are experiencing the death of a child (son or daughter).

However, some people have such natural manifestations of grief, as a sense of guilt, insomnia, stupor and sobs, can lead to more serious manifestations, including grief (deep grief) and depressive mental disorder (large clinical depression).

Symptoms of natural grief

Sorrow differs from the natural grief of its duration and intensity. People experiencing normal grief, most often can explain why they are sad. They continue to function normally in society, and, as a rule, is able to overcome their strong sadness over a relatively short period of time (usually within a month-two).

Usually after the death of a very close person (her husband, moms, son or daughters, brother or sisters), such strong experiences as sorrow or depression can increase within a few days, weeks or even months. And sometimes such depression can develop even after the death of a beloved animal.

Almost each of the people, faced with the death of a loved one (especially the child, mom, beloved husband), will experience such natural symptoms:

• the feeling of guilt for that they did (either did not) before the death of a loved one. So, Mom can edit myself for not saving his son;
• obsessive thoughts like this: "It would be better if I died instead of my husband!" So, parents may regret that death did not take them instead of a child;
• imaginary feeling that they see or hear the deceased;
• problems with sleep;
• change of habits in food and exercise;
• the desire to be in social isolation.

Stages of loss and grief

To understand how a real clinical depression can develop from ordinary grief, you need to know, through what stages people pass after the death of a loved one (her husband, mom, child, etc.).
In 1969, Psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross presented in his book "On death and dying" 5 stages of grief after the death of a loved one. These stages of experience are universal, people from all layers of society are faced with them.

In case of loss, a person conducts a different amount of time at each stage. In addition, each stage may differ in its intensity. These five stages can occur in any order. We often move between these stages until the moment as they accept death. All people are grieved in different ways. Some people outwardly are very emotional, others will experience grief in themselves, perhaps even without tears. But, anyway, all people pass through five stages of grief:

The first stage is denial and isolation;

Second stage - anger;

Third stage - bargaining;

The fourth stage - depression;

Fifth stage - acceptance.

Although all the emotions that people experience on any of these stages are natural, not everyone who grieves pass through all these stages - and this is also normal. Contrary to popular belief, you do not need to pass through all these stages in order to live on. In fact, some people are able to grieve, bypassing any of these stages. So do not worry about what you "must" feel or what stage you should be now.

When the grief becomes depression?

All the above symptoms and stages of grief are absolutely normal. They help people adapt to loss and adopt new living conditions after the death of a loved one.

The difference between grief and clinical depression is not always easy to notice, because they have a lot of common symptoms, but the difference still exists.

Remember, the grief is shown waving. It includes a wide range of emotions and a combination of bad and good days. Even then, when you are very grieving, you still can be moments of joy or happiness. And when depressed, the feeling of emptiness and despair is constant.

If the confusion is experiencing expressed symptoms of depression, then it's time to seek help. This must be done in cases where a mournful person is marked:

• the absence of a concentration of attention and complete inability to focus;
• unusually acute sensations of their own uselessness or guilt;
• anxiety or depression that does not pass, but only enhanced with time;
• problems with sleep, which lasts more than six weeks;
• obsessive memories Day and nightmares at night, which constantly hold a person in tension;
• sharp increase or weight loss;
• inexplicable physical symptoms, for example, malicious pain in one or another body, rapid heartbeat, abundant sweating, digestive problems or difficult breathing;
• thoughts that the deceased continues to be near, visiting or;
• strange or asocial behavior;
• thoughts about suicide, which can only stop very serious arguments (for example, the presence of a mother of another child);
• break all social contacts.

All these symptoms may indicate the beginning of a clinical depression due to the death of a loved one. If any of these symptoms lasts more than two months after the death of a loved one, it serves as a signal that a person needs help professional.

Symptoms of depression or post-traumatic shock will be most pronounced if a person becomes a witness to the sudden death of close people, or was near during the death of a loved one, for example a child.

Depression as a complication of the grief

Negative feelings such as hopelessness and helplessness are part of the normal mourning process, but they can also be symptoms of depression or other mental disorders. But sometimes the normal mountain in this situation goes into a mental disorder. Depression is only one of a variety of mental disorders that may be associated with the death of a loved one. Other disorders include generalized anxiety disorder and post-tramatic stress.

It was not for nothing that one of the proposed future changes in the classification of mental illnesses proposed by American psychiatrists is the introduction of a new category of mental illness - a burdened experience of sorrow. A burdened experience of grief, which is also sometimes called a traumatic or long-term grief, suggest a complex mental disorder. It will be diagnosed with it if the general symptoms of heavy sorrow, such as longing after the death of a loved one (husband, child or other relatives), difficulties move on, depression either anger after such a loss will last more than six months.

The diagnosis of complicated burning disorder is expected to be put on the basis of two criteria:

First criterion. Thorough man jeeping for the deceased daily and very intense.

Second criterion. The person must be observed, and also to interfere with it to function normally, at least five symptoms of the following:

• the impossibility of making this death;
• feeling of stunning or shock after the death of close;
• anger or bitterness experienced after the death of relatives (for example, anger on her husband, that he left his wife);
• numbness or stupor (especially often it happens after the child's loss);
• difficulties with determining the goal of life after loss;
• extreme uncertainty of his role in life;
• avoiding everything that is a reminder of death;
• the inability to trust people, since such a person believes that close to his death;
• the feeling that life has lost all meaning.

Prevent depression after loss

After the grief becomes clinical depression, it can not be overcome by ordinary mourning, so in this case it is not necessary to do without consultation of the psychotherapist.
Treatment of such depression typically includes antidepressants, as well as interpersonal or cognitive behavioral therapy.

However, there are ways through which people themselves may not give a grief to turn into depression.

Live reality, accept the reality of loss and realize that even in the mountain does not cease to be part of everyday life. Communicate with family and friends more often.

Go to another way. Try to adapt to a new reality, making things differently. For example, make yourself a new hobby, or give up such classes that are painful reminders of a loved one. Move forward - force yourself to move, communicate and participate in pleasant events.

Regular physical exercise is needed: Perform exercise at least 30 minutes every day, learn how to remove stress by deep breathing or meditation, sleep at least 7-9 hours per day.

Proper diet: Watch your nutrition to be healthy. Stop destroy yourself - give up alcohol, sleeping pills and caffeine.

The death of which you loved, and about whom you cared, is always very painful. You can experience all kinds of negative emotions, including mental pain and sorrow. This is a completely normal reaction to such a significant loss. Know that there is no correct or incorrect way to get rid of depression caused by the death of a loved one, but there are effective ways to cope with the pain in order to move on life further.

It is important to start from the installation torque. The collision with death is generally unpleasant. Even with someone else's. Therefore, a friend-comrade flasher, as a rule, is frightened, confusion and alarmed. And most importantly - powerless to offer something and change. And impotence, anxiety and uncertainty often annoying people. Hence such reactions as: "Enough to roar", "you just feel sorry for yourself," "I will not help with tears," etc. Another extreme: "I understand you", "we are all hard now", high concentrations of empathy and inclusion. Also harmful, because the degree of immersion in someone else's grief should be very moderate, you really can do little.
What you need to know about the grief and the experience of loss.
The death of relatives is primarily a serious acute stress. And as any heavy stress, it is accompanied by intense experiences of different properties. There is anger, and wines, and depression. It seems to man that he remained alone in this world with his pain. In my experience, the grief becomes depressed mainly from two experiences: "I am completely alone" and the crossing stop. Therefore, a friend-comrade can help flakes, by large, in two ways: let yourself feel your presence and support the experience of the experience.
Brief principles of the grief.
Here I describe different views on the work of grief. But for domestic education it is enough to know several key principles:
. There is no correct and incorrect way to experience the loss. In fact, there are no stages that replace each other. All this is convenient working models for specialists. But a person is more than any model, describing it. So it is worth avoiding tips about how to burn right and what to do, even if you read about it. And even if you yourself survived the mountain, it is not a fact that your method is suitable for another.
. Mountain may be accompanied by emotional drops. The most judicials begin to behave irrationally, and live livestocks can go into a stupor. Try to be careful with his feelings. The phrases of the type "You changed like that", "so some kind of not as it was before," "you completely worked out," you will call the shame and guilt than bringing relief. It is important for a person to know that the experienced to them is normal. Well, you do not take to your account if these emotions suddenly fell on you.
. There are no clear temporary framework for work. According to various sources, on average, recovery after the loss of close can take from year to year (it is considered important to survive all the key dates without it) to two years. But for some people with the peculiarities of establishing close relationships, this can be much less than or on the contrary longer.
Good word and loyal matter.
The most disturbing issue for loved ones (and not very) people is "what can I do for him for him?". And the most useful thing you can do, do not interfere with it. Just accompany a person in what happens to him. And there will help several non-hard techniques.
Taking the fact of death. It is not necessary to avoid the theme of death from the idea "not disturbing once again", as well as avoid the words "death". Speak about it directly and openly. The expressions of the type "He left", "God took Him", "time ended," "His soul remained with us," encourage an avoidance of contact with the theme of death, which means that the grief process is hampered.
The expression of your feelings. It is not necessary to fantasize what you know how to feel a loss. Even if you experienced yourself, remember that we are all different and are experiencing differently. If you are sorry, you sympathize, so tell me: "I'm sorry you have to worry about it." And if it is not sorry or you worry, then better silent. The person is particularly sensitive during this period, and the fault for the fact that his condition is disturbing you will definitely be harmful.
Direct messages. You do not know how to help, but want to support? So tell me. No need to strain fantasy. Just let it know: "Is there something to help you?", "If you need something to do, you can count on me." But it is not necessary to talk from politeness. It is better to be honestly silent, if not ready to invest in a person than to promise from politeness or anxiety, and then look for ways to avoid promised.
Hold your philosophy. We are all relying in difficult moments on different beliefs about the world order, both internal and external. No need to climb a person with your ideas. Even if you both adhere to one faith, console faith - the work of the priest, a spiritual mentor.
How to accompany a person who is experiencing a loss?
1. Listen, and not talk.
Psychotherapist Ron Kurtz said that a person has four passions: "Know, change, intensively, perfect." Especially they exacerbate a minute alarm and uncertainty.
Everyone thinks what to say to the flammable yes so that "cure" him from grief. And the secret is to instead it should be asked and listening to: about the dead, about feelings, about the senses. Just let you know that you are near and are ready to listen. Different reactions can be born in the hearing, but you need to remember a few simple rules:
. Take and recognize the importance of all feelings. Play in front of you, angry, a man should be laughed safely. If you have an idea how to react to death correctly, then make a small effort and hold inside. Criticism, condemnation and instructions are generally not needed during the grief.
. Be patience. Do not prescribe per person. Just designate your presence and willingness to listen. And wait when he himself decides to do it.
. Let me talk about the deceased. And as much as he needs. Perhaps it will be too much for you. Find a way to take care of yourself without interrupting the storyteller. If you want and help, and not strain, then this is normal, but it is unlikely to work. See the previous point - patience. Repeating stories about the deceased is part of the grief process and death. Prophoving reduces pain.
. Consider the context. Safe atmosphere and no rush is important for supporting presence. If you want to start a conversation in souls, appreciate the relevance of the situation and the environment.
. Now about familiar speech stereotypes. There are popular "support words" that can sound beautifully, but do not carry any practical benefit.
. "I know your feelings." Yes, we can have your own experience of loss and experiences. And it is unique, even if it looks like. It is better to ask the flavored feelings about his experiences and listen about them.
. "God has his own plans for him," he / she is now in paradise in paradise. " If you are not a priest to whom the parishioner came, it is better to hold religious ideas. Often, it causes only anger.
. "Think about those who are alive, you need them." Did you cut off your finger? Think about the remaining nine. They need your care. Reasonable thought, in no way canceling the pain of loss.
. "Stop crying, it's time to live on." Another useless advice. The grief for the deceased is because he happens that he was an important figure in a person's life. Therefore, it is not necessary to offer to refuse this importance. The sobs will be held when the wound will heal. Tolerate.
. "You need ...", "You must ...". Hold your instructions. As a rule, they do not promise anything but quarrel. Especially if a person is experiencing anger or apathy.
2. Conduct practical assistance.
As you know, chat - no bags of floring. In the meantime, the combustible people often experience shame for their strong feelings, a decrease in functionality, guilt for ensuring people. Because of this, it is difficult for them to ask for help. Therefore, be careful: noticed that a friend has no food in the house, go and buy. You know that the cemetery is far away, and there are no cars - offer to be taken, closed and does not leave the house, take time to be with him. Simple home support will give to feel that he is not alone.
You do not need to torture a person, what exactly can you do, just show some seamless and initiative.
3. What awaits you in the long run?
The grinding process does not end with the funeral. Its duration depends on the characteristics of each. Be prepared for your friend / comrade can experience grief up to several years.
Do not forget to cope about it. Be connected, check it periodically, support if not afford, then at least a good word. It is much more important than one-time support with the funeral. At the beginning, a person may be shocked and on this excitement do not even feel grief and needs in whose care.
Do not press the flammable. "You're so strong", "It's time to go on," "It seems now everything is in order", try to avoid interpretations of someone else's experience and hidden instructions.
Respect the value of the deceased person in the current life. Be prepared for the fact that your friend will remember the deceased in different situations, fantasize that he advised or did. If this annoys you, find the strength to hold irritation. Of course, if the relationship with a friend is really the road, and you respect it.
Remember about memorable dates. They brag the wound of loss, especially in the first year, when the flammable passes all holidays and anniversaries without a loved one. On such days, support is especially necessary.
4. When you need a specialist help?
The grinding process is depression, confusion, a sense of loss of communication with others, and in general "small madness." And this is normal. But if all these symptoms do not fall over time, and on the contrary, it is likely to have a chance that the normal grief goes into complicated. There is a risk of clinical depression. There are already few help of loved ones and even a psychologist - a psychiatrist needs consultation. It does not make a man crazy. Just when clinical depression, our brain begins to work a little differently, the balance of chemicals is disturbed. The psychiatrist prescribes drugs for alignment, and a psychologist can work in parallel in line with spoken psychotherapy.
How can you recognize. What does a person need help? The main thing is to be attentive and make an amendment on your own anxiety, because "the eyes of the eyes are great." As a rule, this combination of several symptoms is stable for more than 2 months:
. Difficulties of everyday existence and maintenance of themselves,
. Severe concentration on death,
. Extremely bright experience of bitterness, maliciousness and guilt,
. Nestness to care
. Regular use of alcohol and drugs,
. The inability to get any pleasure from life,
. Hallucinations
. Insulation
. Permanent experience of hopelessness
. Talk about death and suicide.
There is a sure way to say about your observations is not frightening and imposing. Just note that we worry about a person, as you see that he is not sleeping or does not eat for several days and maybe he needs help.
Well, the hallucinations and the attempt of suicide is a sure sign that it's time to cause ambulance aid.
Features of support for children experiencing loss.
Even very little children can experience the pain of loss, but they also know how to do with their feelings and learn in adults. And they need support, care and, most importantly, in honesty. Therefore, it is not necessary to avoid the theme of death, to lie about the "dad left" or "the dog was given in a good place." It takes a lot of support, to make it clear that feelings about loss are normal.
Answer the child's questions honestly and openly: about death, about feelings, about the funeral. Try your answers about death with simple, specific and meaningful. Children, especially small, can blame themselves in what happened, and the truth can understand that there are no guilt.
It is important to remember that children have other ways to express their feelings: stories, games, drawings. You can delve into this process and then you will understand how they cope.
What can help a combustible child:
. Allow the child to participate in the funeral process, if not against.
. If your family has cultural and religious traditions, then share them in the matter of death.
. Connect family maples so that the child sees different models of loss experience.
. Help the child find a symbolic spot of the deceased in his life.
. Keep the participation of children in everyday activity.
. Pay attention to how children's experiences are manifested in games, it is a good way to communicate with them.
What do not do:
. Do not force children "right grieving", they themselves will find their way.
. Do not tell the children that the "grandmother fell asleep", do not say nonsense.
. Do not say to children that their tears can upset someone.
. Do not try to protect the child from loss experiences. Children are not idiots, perfectly read the feelings of parents.
. Do not hide your tears from the child. So you will give a signal to express your feelings - this is normal
. Do not turn the child to the basket for all your experiences and emerging problems - for this there is a psychologist, friends and therapeutic groups.
And of course, you need to remember that human life and relationships are more than any schemes and tips and there is no correct scheme, there are only principles that can be adjusted with the cultural characteristics.


Psychological assistance in death.
When working with grief and loss consultant, it is important to have at least a general idea of \u200b\u200bthe cultural features of the experience of this experience from the client. Because different religions and cultures have their views on death, which has an additional impact on the client. But in this article, we will talk about the clinical embodiments of the view of the grief and understanding how to survive the death of a loved one.
"Stages of the grief" are the most familiar concepts for most psychologists. This model brought the American-Swiss psychoanalytically-oriented psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, M.D. According to this model, a person having experienced a loss, passes through 5 stages: denial, anger, trading, depression and adoption. The concept itself is simple and easily applies, like any clear model. At the same time, it gives rise to a number of questions. Are these stages and in such a sequence? Is it possible to talk about the stage of depression as a clinical diagnosis (including neurologically)? Are there any temporary frames?
Since then, many years have passed, its model was criticized, other evaluation methods were offered. What other views on the process of grief are currently?
Clinical psychologist from Columbia University George A. Bonanno PhD, for example, suggested that there are no stages, there is a natural recovery process after breaking. He takes as a basis the concept of "psychological flexibility", arguing that the lack of explicitly pronounced grief is the norm in opposition to the psychoanalytic model, which pathologizes such a process, positioning it as "chopped work".
An alternative approach to burning stages is represented by the concept of phases based on the theory of affection (Attachment Theory) Parkes, Bowlby, Sanders, and others. Parkes identified 4 phases.
Phase I is a period of talking, which comes immediately after the loss. This stupor, characteristic of all survivors, allows you to not pay attention to the fact of loss at least a short time.
Further, a person goes to phase II - longing. Deployments in the loss and impossibility of reunification. In the same phase, the constancy of the loss often occurs. Anger plays an important role in this phase.
In Phase III, burning disorganized and flows into despair, begins to experience the difficulty of functioning in the usual environment.
Finally, the client is part of the IV phase, starting to reorganize his behavior, restructure the identity in order to return to the normal state and return to everyday life, to build plans for the future (Parkes, 1972, 2001, 2006).
Bowlby (1980), whose interest and work partially crossed with the work of Parkes, considered the accommodation of grief as a transition from one phase to another in a circle, where each other pass is experiencing easier than the previous one. And as well as with stages, the explicit border between the phases is a very rare phenomenon.
Sanders (1989, 1999) also uses a phase idea to describe the grief process and highlights them 5: (1) shock, (2) loss awareness, (3) conservation in denial, (4) healing, and (5) recovery.
In the work of a specialist knowledge of the stages sometimes make troubles in understanding their work with a flammable, which is in a simple installation of "Conduct a client through the grinding stages." However, this task has one big problem - the stage and phases are conditional, the models are different and first need to enter the client the theory. And this is not always necessary and even possible. In addition, working with the grief depends on the consultant's own ability to endure and respond to the experiences of the loss of customers, otherwise the temptation arises to work on the intellectual level when the client understands that the loss occurred, but emotionally can not yet accept and survive.
An alternative is to consider the grief process as a natural biological adaptation mechanism for loss and recovery after breaking close relationships, that is, attachment. The theory of affection was originally developed as an evolutionary behavioral theory. And the grief is an integral affection mechanism, launched when the loss of relatives. And, like any biological mechanism, it has tasks associated with the concept of the Bowlby phases described above.
Task I: take the reality of loss.
When it dies or goes close person, the primary task becomes the adoption of the fact that the reunification is no longer possible. From the point of view of contact with reality, when you have to do it easier. When parting is more difficult, because here it is, an object of affection. The primary alarm of the loss of an object is associated with the natural biological activation of the search for an object of affection. Often parents who have lost children are trying to make another child who lost a partner to find a couple rather to find a pair - the animal will still start rapidly. Such substitution brings relief, but may interrupt the grief process for many years.
Another reaction is a denial that Geoffrey Gorer (1965) called "Mummification". When a person stores memory and lives as if the lost object of attachment is about to appear. The embroidery embodiment of grief can be careful in the denial of the real significance of the object by type "not so closely we were", "he was not so good for me by father / husband and T / D." Another protection against the reality of the loss can be a fragmentary displacement. For example, when a child who lost his father at a rather conscious age of 12 years, turns out to be unable to remember even his face after some time. The ritual of funeral is often helped by the passage of this task. In the therapy, it may be a simple human "tell about it / her", support for experiences (no strengthening), research on the image of relations. All that helps to get in detail with the lost figure therapist and the client, return to reality.
Task 2: Processing pain from loss.
In modern society there are different views on how to experience the loss and with what intensity. Sometimes not only the environment of the flavor, but the consultant can be confused with a low (subjectively) level of the intensity of emotional involvement in the grief process, which sometimes leads to an erroneous choice of tactics "reach the feelings", "release tears". However, it is important to remember that the strength of the loss of the object of affection depends on the style of affection. For people with certain loss styles, it may indeed be less trauma than for others. At the same time, the loss in itself is a strong sharp stress, which is accompanied, among other things, and painful physical experiences. When people experience emotional pain, the same brain zones are activated as with a feeling of physical pain: This Anterior Insula (front island brain island) and The Anterior Cingulate Cortex (front of the cortex of the cerebral cortex). It is clear that the people around people may be unbearable in contact with someone else's pain, why they try to bother in every possible way, to shake him "Enough, you feel sorry for yourself, in fact," you need to hang out "and other useless, but deftly stopping the mountains. The normal response of a person is attempting to stop pain, divert himself, go on a journey, plunge into work at best. At worst, start using psychoactive drugs and alcohol.
John Bowlby (1980) spoke about it, "Sooner or later, the one who avoids all the completeness of the experiences of grief breaks and flows into depression" (p. 158). The accompaniment in this task helps the empathic presence and empathy of the consultant, again its ability to experience uncertainty and containing negative affects. No need to do anything special or if you are a specialist, nor if a close person. Just divide pain with those who pass through it.
Task 3: Adapt to life without a departed or "How will I live without him / her?".
As the loss changes the presentation of a person about himself, in relations, in the process of living, he faces the fact that it has to learn differently to worry out and arrange their life. Uncomplicated grief is accompanied by changes at three levels: internal - sentence of self (who am I now?), External (life) and spiritual (system of beliefs, values \u200b\u200band beliefs)
External device is a search for responses to a change in the situation, prioritization, direction of effort: how to raise children? How to make a living? To pay the bills? Organize leisure? Violation of the device here can occur in an attempt to preservate the usual lifestyle. Reducing the testing of the changed reality.
Parkes (1972) makes an important focus on how many levels affect loss: "Any loss will very rarely mean literally the loss who left. So loss of her husband, it also means the loss of a sexual partner, a companion responsible for finance responsible for the education of children and so on, depending on the roles that husband performed. " (p. 7) Therefore, the revision and revision of the roles that played a close person is an important part of the peel therapy. Another part of the work is to find new meanings in everyday activity.
The internal device is work at the level of self-reliance, I-concept. It is important to understand how death affects identifying itself, self-esteem and vision of the authorship of their own life. Care from the dyadic vision "And to say my husband / wife?" To that "What do I want?".
Spiritual fitness. Loss as a result of death can change the usual worldview, vital values \u200b\u200band beliefs that affect our relations in themselves, with neighbors, friends, colleagues. Janoff-Bulman (1992) allocated three basic assumptions that often rushed from the death of a loved one: that the world is a favorable place that there is a sense in the world, and that he or she stands. However, not all death changes our basic beliefs. The expected death of an elderly person who lived a worthy life will rather strengthen our expectations and emphasize our values, for example, "he lived a full life, so he died easily and without fear."
Task IV: find a way to start a new stage in life, keeping an adequate connection with the dead.
In the process of the grief, the entire emotional energy of the combustible is directed to the loss object. And at this stage, there is balancing between the experiences about this object and attention to your own life, the restoration of contact with its own interests. Often you can meet the installation "It's time to forget about it / her and move on", which is more harmful advice. Because the deceased becomes an internal object, part of the self, and therefore forgetting about it, we refuse ourselves. The task of the consultant at this stage does not forget about the relationship, go for depreciation or switching to other relationships, and help find the client a suitable place to die in their emotional life, a place in which the image of the past will be effectively incorporated into everyday life.
Marris (1974) illustrates this idea as follows: "At the beginning, the widow could not separate his intentions and aware of the figure of her husband, who played an important role in them. To feel alive, she supported the illusion of the preserved relationships through symbolism and irrational beliefs. But over time, she began to reformulate his life from the position of accepting the fact that her husband died. She passed a gradual transformation from a conversation with him "As if he was sitting in a chair nearby" to think about him to do or told the SIZ position of her own interests and the future of her children. So far, finally, she did not assign her own desires and stopped needing a figure of her husband for their manifestation. (PP. 37-38) "As we can see from the example, the most suitable expression of this state may be" non-life in relationships ". Life as if stopped at this point, and it seems to be a person that he will never be happy anywhere. However, the solution of this task leads to awareness that there are people in the world that you can love, and this does not deprive the lost object of love, in turn.

"The grief becomes present only when concerns you personally" (Erich Maria Remark).

The theme of death is very heavy, but very important. This is a stunning, unexpected, sudden tragedy. Especially if this happens with a close and native person. Such a loss is always a deep shock, shock from the experienced strike leaves scars in the shower for life. A man at the time of grief feels the loss of emotional communications, is experiencing a sense of unfulfilled duty and guilt. How to cope with experiences, emotions, feelings and learn to live on? How to survive the death of a loved one? How and how to help those who feel pain from loss?

The attitude of modern society to death

"Do not cry all the time", "hold on", "he is better there", "Everyone will be there" - all these consciences have to listen to a mournful person. It happens, he remains alone at all. And it happens not because friends and colleagues are brutal and indifferent people, just many are afraid of death and stranger. Many want to help, but do not know how and what. They are afraid to show tactlessness, they can not find the right words. And the secret lies not in healing and consolation words, but in the ability to listen and let know that you are near.

Modern society will keep by all that is associated with death: avoids conversations, refuses mourning, tries not to show his grief. Children are afraid to respond to their questions about death. In society, the conviction has developed that too long manifestation of grief is a sign of a mental illness or disorder. Tears are regarded as a nervous fit.

The man in his grief remains alone: \u200b\u200bthe phone does not ring his house, people avoid him, he is isolated from society. Why is this happening? Because we do not know how to help, how to console what to say. We are afraid of not only death, but also grieving. Of course, communication with them is not very psychologically comfortable, there are a lot of inconvenience. He can cry, it must be comforted, but how? What to talk to him? Suddenly you will make him even more? Many of us cannot find answers to these questions, removed and wait for the time until the person himself can cope with his loss and will not come to normal. Only spiritually strong people remain next to the grief in such a tragic moment.

The rituals of the funeral and the grief in society are lost and perceived as a relic of the past. We are "civilized, intelligent and cultural people." But it is these ancient traditions that helped themselves to relive the pain of loss. For example, the plasters who were invited to the coffin so that they repeat certain verbal formulas caused tears from those relatives who were in a stupor or shock.

At present, the time is considered to cry in the coffin. There was an idea that tears deliver a lot of disasters to the soul of the deceased that they are drowning on that light. For this reason, it is customary to cry as little as possible and restrain itself. Failure to mourning and the modern attitude of people to death have very dangerous consequences for the psyche.

Mountain individually

All people in different ways are experiencing pain loss. Therefore, the division of grief at the stage (periods), adopted in psychology, conditionally and coincides with the dates of the commemoration of the departed in many world religions.

At the stage that a person passes is influenced by many factors: gender, age, health, emotionality, education, emotional connection with the dead.

But there are general rules that need to know to assess the mental and emotional state of a person who is experiencing grief. It is necessary to have an idea how to survive the death of a close one, how and how to help the one that has happened. The rules below and patterns are also related to children who are experiencing the pain of loss. But they need to be treated with even greater attention and caution.

So, a close man died how to cope with the grief? To answer this question, it is necessary to figure out what happens with the grief at this time.

Hit

The first feeling that a person is experiencing unexpectedly lost his native, is a misunderstanding of what and how it happened. One only thought is spinning in his head: "Can't be!" The first reaction that he is experiencing is shock. In fact, this is a protective reaction of our organism, such a "psychological anesthesia".

Shock manifests itself in two forms:

• Starting, the inability to perform the usual actions.
• Excessive activity, excitation, cry, fussiness.

Moreover, these states can alternate.

A person cannot believe what happened, he sometimes begins to avoid truth. In many cases, there is a rejection of what happened. Then man:

• Looking for the face of the deceased in the crowd of people.
• Says to him.
• Hears the voice of the past, feels his presence.
• Plans to have some sharing events with him.
• Keeps in the inviolability of his things, clothes and everything connected with it.

If a person for a long time denies the fact of loss, the mechanism of self-deception is included. He does not accept the loss, because it is not ready to experience unbearable mental pain.

How to survive the death of a loved one? Tips, methods in the original period are reduced to one - to believe what happened, allow feelings to break out, talk about them with those who are ready to listen, cry. Usually the period lasts about 40 days. If he delayed for months or even years, you should contact a psychologist or priest.

Consider what cycles will happen.

7 stages of hot

How to survive the death of loved ones? What are the stages of grief, how do they manifest? Psychologists allocate certain stages of grief, which are experiencing all people who have lost their loved ones. They do not go one after another in strict sequence, each person has their own psychological periods. Understanding what is happening with grieving will help cope with the grief.

On the first reaction, shock and shock, there was already a speech, here is the subsequent stages of grief:

1. Denial of what is happening. "This could not happen" - the main reason for such a reaction is fear. A person is afraid of what happened what will happen next. Mind denies reality, a person convinces himself that nothing happened. Externally, it looks back or fuss, actively organizes the funeral. But it does not mean that he is easily experiencing loss, he simply not fully realized what happened. The person who is in stupor does not need to be fencing from the worries and hassle associated with the funeral. Registration of documents, the organization of funerals and alert, the order of ritual services makes communicating with people and help to get out of the state of shock. It happens that in a state of denial, a person ceases to perceive adequately reality and peace. This reaction is short-lived, but it is necessary to output it from such a state. To do this, talk to him, all the time call it by name, not to leave alone, distract from thoughts. But it is not necessary to console and soothe, as it does not help. This is a short stage. He, as it were, preparatory, man morally prepares himself to the fact that there is no longer no one. And as soon as he realizes what happened, goes to the next stage.
2. Rage, insult, anger. These feelings capture a man completely. He is talking to the whole world around, there are no good people for him, everything is wrong. He is internally convinced that around everything that happens is injustice. The power of these emotions depends on the person himself. As soon as the feeling of alive passes, the next stage of grief is replaced by him immediately.
3. Guilt. He often recalls the deceased, the moments of communicating with him and begins to realize that he paid little attention, sharply or rudely, did not ask for forgiveness, did not say that he loved, and so on. Thought comes to mind: "Didn't I do to prevent this death?" It happens, this feeling remains with a person for his whole life.
4. Depression. It is very difficult to take this stage in people who are used to keeping and not to show them surrounding. They deplete them from the inside, a person loses hope that life will become normal. He refuses him to sympathize, he has a gloomy mood, he does not contact with other people, he tries to suppress his feelings all the time, but it becomes even more unhappy. Depression after the loss of a native person leaves the imprint on all spheres of life.
5. Acceptance of what happened. Over time, man puts up with what happened. It begins to recover, life is more or less. Every day his condition is improving, and insult and depression will weaken.
6. Renaissance stage. During this period, a person's low-cost, a lot and a long time is silent, it often leaves. The period is quite long and can last up to several years.
7. Organization of life without a native person. After passing all the stages in the life of a person who survived the mountain, much changes a lot, and of course, he becomes another himself. Many try to change the former way of life, find new friends, change jobs, sometimes place of residence. A person builds a new model of life.

Symptoms of "normal" grief

Lindemann Erich highlighted the symptoms of the "normal" grief, that is, the feeling that develops from each person with the loss of close. So, symptoms:

• Physiological That is, periodically repeated attacks of physical suffering: a sense of compresses in the chest, attacks of emptiness in the abdomen, weakness, dry mouth, spasms in the throat.
• Behavioral - It is a circulation or speech slowness, inconsistency, frost, lack of interest in affairs, irritability, insomnia, everything falls out of her hands.
• Cognitive symptoms - confusion of thoughts, distrust, difficulties with attention and concentration.
• Emotional - feeling of helplessness, loneliness, anxiety and guilt.

Time of grief

• Shock and denial of loss last about 48 hours.
• During the first week, emotional depletion is observed (there were funerals, funerals, meetings, commemoration).
• From 2 to 5 weeks, some people return to everyday affairs: work, study, ordinary life. But the closest begin to feel the most acute loss. They have more acute longing, grief, anger. This is a period of acute burning, which can delay for a long time.
• From three months to a year, Mourning lasts, this is a period of helplessness. Someone overtakes depression, someone needs additional care.
• Anniversary is a very important event when a ritual completion of mourning is performed. That is, a worship, a trip to the cemetery, reconciliation. Relatives gather, and the common grief makes it easy to sorrow. This happens if there is no jam. That is, if a person cannot accept a loss, it is not able to return to everyday life, he hung in his grief, remained in his grief.

Heavy Life Test

How can I survive the death of a loved one? How does this all endure and do not break? The loss of a native person is one of the heavy and serious tests in life. Every adult man in one way or another came across loss. It is stupid to advise in this situation a person to take himself in hand. Initially, it is very difficult to take a loss, but there is a possibility not to exacerbate your condition and try to cope with stress.

Unfortunately, there is no fast and universal way, how to survive the death of a close native person, but it is necessary to take all measures to ensure that this grief does not flow into the hard form of depression.

When a specialist help is needed

There are people who "hang" in their heavy emotional state, can not independently cope with the grief and do not know how to survive the death of a loved one. Psychology allocates signs that should be alert by others, to make it immediately contact a specialist. This needs to be done if the grieving:

• permanent obsessive thoughts about the worthlessness and the aimlessness of life;
• targeted avoidance of people;
• constant thoughts on suicide or death;
• there is an inability to return to the usual lifestyle for a long time;
• slow reactions, constant inadequate actions, uncontrolled laughter or crying;
• sleep disorders, severe loss or weight set.

If there is at least some doubt or anxiety about a person who recently survived the death of his native, better to turn to a psychologist. He will help to sob to understand himself and in his emotions.

• Do not refuse to support surrounding and friends.
• Take care of yourself and your physical condition.
• Give the will to your feelings and emotions.
• Try to express your feelings and emotions with the help of creativity.
• Do not install temporary borders for grief.
• Do not suppress emotions, sprinkle grief.
• Distractable on those who are expensive and love, that is, alive.

How to survive the death of a loved one? Psychologists advise you to write a letter from life. It should be told that you did not have to do or report in life, to admit to something. In general, throw everything on paper. It can be written about how the person lacks what is regret.

Those who believe in magic can seek help and advice how to survive the death of a loved one, to psychics. They are also known, too good psychologists.

In difficult moments, many people turn to the Lord for help. How to survive the death of a loved one? The priests advise the believer and far from religion to come to come more often to the temple, pray for the deceased, to remember it on certain days.

How to help a person move pain from loss

It is very painful to see a native person, a friend who is familiar who has just lost a relative. How to help a person survive the death of close to tell him how to behave, how to facilitate his suffering?

Trying to move pain, many people try to distract him from what happened and avoid conversations about death. But it's not right.

What do you need to talk or do to help survive the death of a loved one? Effective ways:

• Do not ignore conversations about the deceased. If less than 6 months have passed since death, then all the thoughts of a friend or relative are spinning around the deceased. It is very important for him to spoke and flop. It is impossible to make him suppress emotions and feelings. However, if more than a year has passed since the tragedy, and all the conversations are still reduced to the deceased, then the topic of conversation should be changed.
• Distract the griering sorrow. Immediately after the tragedy of man, it is impossible to distract with nothing, he needs only moral support. But a few weeks later, it is worth it to attach to the thoughts of man another direction. It is worth inviting him to some places, sign up for joint courses and so on.
• Switch human attention. It is best to ask him to provide some kind of help. Show him that in his help and in it need. Well speeds up the process of exiting depression concern for an animal.

How to take the death of a loved one

How to get used to loss and how to survive the death of a loved one? Orthodoxy and the Church give such advice:

• it is necessary to believe in the mercy of the Lord;
• read prayers about the deceased;
• put candles in the temple for the rest of the soul;
• give alms and assist the suffering;
• if there is a mental help, you need to go to church and turn to the priest.

Is it possible to be ready for the death of a loved one

Death is a terrible event, it is impossible to get used to it. For example, police, pathologists, investigators, doctors who have to see a lot of deaths, it seems to be led by years without emotion to perceive someone else's death, but they are all afraid of their own care and, like all people, do not know how to transfer a very close person's departure.

It is impossible to get used to death, but you can prepare psychologically for the care of a native person:

Loss of parents is always a big tragedy. Psychological relationship, which is established between relatives, makes their loss of a very heavy test. How to survive the death of a loved one, mom? What to do when it is no longer? How to cope with grief? And what to do and how to survive the death of a loved one, dad? And how to survive the grief if they die together?

No matter how much years have happened, it is always difficult to cope with the loss of parents. It seems to us that they are too early, but it will always be on time. It is necessary to take a heavy loss, you need to learn to live with it. Another long time in the thoughts we appeal to the left father or mother, we ask them the council, but we must learn to live without their support.

Carefully changes life. In addition to bitterness, grief and loss, the feeling arises that life collapsed into the abyss. How to survive the death of a loved one and return to life:

1. The fact of loss must be taken. And the sooner it happens, the better. It should be understood that a person will never be with you that he will not be returned to neither tears or mental torments. We must learn to live without mother or father.
2. Memory is the greatest value of a person, our deceased parents continue to live in it. I remember about them, do not forget about yourself, about your plans, affairs, aspirations.
3. Gradually, it is worth getting rid of serious memories of death. They introduce a person to depression. Psychologists are advised to pay, you can go to a psychologist or priest. You can start to keep a diary, the main thing is not to keep everything in yourself.
4. If overpowers loneliness, it is necessary to find someone who needs care and attention. You can start a pet. Their selfless love and vital energy will help to overcome the grief.

There are no ready-made recipes, how to survive the death of a loved one suitable for all people. Situations loss and emotional connections are different. And grief everything is worried differently.

How easier to survive the death of a loved one? It is necessary to find what facilitates the soul, do not be shy to show emotions and feelings. Psychologists believe that the grief is needed to "pass", and only then the relief will come.

Remember good word and business

People often ask the question of facilitating their grief after the death of a loved one. How to live with it? Easy the pain of loss is sometimes impossible and no need. The time will come when you can manage your grief. To make it easy to make pain, you can do something in memory of the dead. Maybe he dreamed of doing something himself, it is possible to bring this thing to the end. It is possible to make a charity in memory of it, to devote any creation in honor of him.

How to survive the death of a loved one? There is no universal and simple council, this is a multifaceted and individual process. But the most important thing:

• It is necessary to give yourself a time to the mental wound healed.
• Do not be afraid to seek help if it is necessary.
• It is necessary to follow the power and follow the day.
• Do not rush to calm yourself alcohol or medicine.
• Do not engage in self-medication. If without soothing drugs can not do, it is better to consult a doctor for recipe and recommendations.
• You need to talk about the deceased close man with everyone who is ready to listen.

And most importantly, take the loss and learn to live with it - does not mean to forget or betray. This is healing, that is, the right and natural process.

Conclusion

Each of us before birth receives its place in the structure of a kind. But what energy a person will leave for his relatives, it becomes clear only when his life ends. We must not be afraid of talking about the dead man, more to tell children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren about him. Very good if the legends of the genus will arise. If a person has lived with life, he remains forever in the hearts of living, and the grief process will be aimed at a good memory of him.

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The death of a loved one is a terrible grief. Losing forever your beloved or native - without changing the loss. It is always very painful. Life is divided into one instant to and after. What and how it was before and remains in memory forever. And what will happen after? How to cope with loss and continue to live on? Often close to people at first continue to live really do not really want, not to think about the future. After all, yesterday it was possible to talk to an expensive person, touch him, tell something or crouch, and today it is no longer. The saddest and terrible thing is that he will never return again. This pain loss will remain forever ...

Does not exist on the Earth of a man who would not be buried in the event of a loved one. Each of us experiences feelings and experiences. Nevertheless, people in different ways express their emotions. Someone crying from morning to night, someone closes in themselves, someone pretends that there was nothing terrible at all.

Any response is normal and acceptable if it does not harm others or does not have an auto-aggressive orientation.

You can often hear the evaluation judgments of people that, they say, someone and tears at the funeral did not tend, it means that he did not like the deceased or egoist. Psychologists assure that these judgments are not correct. Feelings are in 100% cases and attitude to what is happening, and the expression of feelings is purely individual. Each person has its own way of expressing most senses - words, cries, lever, physical activity, tears, etc. It all depends on the specific situation. The death of a loved one - the situation is atypical, to predict how a person will show its emotional part, it is impossible. In modern society, in the post-Soviet space in particular, it is not accepted to actively express their emotions at all. Unfortunately, we grew up on the installations: "Clear it is impossible", "the boys do not cry", "you can not shout", etc. Thus, with Mother's milk, we have absorbed installations that limit the expression of true emotions and feelings. Therefore, judge about the presence or absence of a sense of a particular person without knowledge about its individual installations for the manifestation of emotions, it is impossible.

The process of burning close after the death of a person lasts about 1 year. This period of time is extremely conditional, as the threshold of pain of loss can decrease in a few months or stretch to 1.5 years. It is individually.

But if a person is killed grief and does not lead normal livelihoods of 2 and more years, it is considered to seek help.

The process of living the death of a close person to share in several stages. These stages differ by emotional filling, temporary gaps, can be intertwined with each other. Psychologists argue that only passing all the stages, the grinding process can be considered completed. Complete the grief process does not mean to forget that someone died. Complete the grief - to remember the loss, but continue your own life and lead it efficiently.

So, stages of living loss Next:

1. Negation;
2. Anger;
3. Bargaining;
4. Depression;
5. Adoption

Stage Shoka

The stage of shock is the brightest in terms of emotional color and the shortest duration (from a few minutes to several hours).

The most common reaction is a stupor. This condition at which a person seems to be physically immobilized and can not say anything. Also, the reaction of the shock may look different - a person can laugh, not to believe, pounce on a reporting about death, expel him. Thus, the behavioral reaction indicates the presence of a natural human natural reaction for danger. The message of the death of a loved one is the danger that needs to "avoid". The shock reaction just does not allow the brain and consciousness to take on the whole blow of the sad news right away, but no matter how it displays it into consciousness.

The main task of approximate to the combustible person is the strengthening stage of the shock. No matter how paradoxically it sounded, it is the strengthening of each stage that is the key to the rapid and qualitative passage of all grinding stages.

Therefore, if you inform a person that someone died, or at this moment you are near him, you should strengthen the sad news and "pull" a person to the ground with the words: "He really died," she died and this is true "," It is no more ", etc. The brain flashes is now in the shock state and is trying to oust a message, and you need it on the contrary to squeeze there.

If it succeeds, the primary fuel reaction is instantly changed. On crying or screams, for example. This suggests that the necessary information still achieved consciousness. You can only be near the flamming. You should not calm them with words and phrases, like: "Everything will be fine!". This is not true.

It would be good if you managed to resurrect the deceased. Can't resurrect - Do not say that everything is free. Conventional and sincere condolences will be enough.

Stage of denial

The dedication stage begins in flaming immediately after the previous stage of shock. Duration is normal from several days to month. This stage, when a person denies the death of close.

- No, it can not be!
- She is alive, I spoke with her by phone half an hour ago! This is mistake!

A person during this period cannot accept the fact of what happened and in every way trying to cling to the thread in the form of what it may be untrue.

Thus, consciousness displaces complicated information and is trying to eliminate it in this way.
This is an absolutely normal reaction. Therefore, if you want to help in this period of time flavored, it is necessary to strengthen it again. It can be reinforced by expressions that secure the ratio of the flammable to the incident:

- It's hard for you to believe it.
- It is really incredible, etc.

Thus, you give a flammable support on your shoulder as if telling him that he is not alone in his denial and disbelief in what is happening. Psychologists agree that this is the best help you can be flavored.

Stage of Evil

The stage of anger or aggression is the time when flavored overcoming negative emotions about the deceased.

The dead is perceived as a person who threw, left alive, leaving alone with his grief, with problems and troubles.

The subconscious anger indicates as if on the fault of the dead for the inconsistency of living, for the fact that they could not cope without him.

This stage lasts from a month to several months, and its presence is an absolute norm for living any loss.
It is important that most flashers do not allow themselves to be angry with dead people. It seems so terrible, wrong and unfair that the flavored does not even allow the thoughts about such. Thus, the feeling of anger is suppressed and it is fraught with sharp outbreaks of anger in other circumstances and with other people who have nothing to do with the death of you have nothing to do. The depressed anger in psychology is considered one of the terrible sins, for which a person will pay in the future in obligatory.

If you have lost a loved one and have anger to him for throwing you and it's hard for you without him, know, that's fine!

This does not mean that it is necessary to report to everyone and everyone about your feelings for the past, but to realize them, take their presence and not to figure out for their existence is simply necessary. Take the fact of the existence of anger is the key to the rapid accommodation of this stage.

The help of flamming at this stage, as well as in the previous ones, is to enhance the feelings:

- It is a pity that he died, but how are you now alone?
- Who did he leave you?!
- How are you now with 3 children without a wife?!

Your task is to support the griering and divide his feeling of anger on the deceased.

Stage of trading

This stage or rather, the condition in which the flammable has not yet accepted the fact of the death of a loved one and deals with self-vacation because of something that could be done / said / thought, but was not.

A person at this stage seems to be that if he had said something or did something otherwise, then a close person could stay alive.

If the previous stage burning accused of all the deceased, now in the death of a close vinitis only himself and his past. This is the stage of sincere lengthy conversations about what could be otherwise. At this stage, it is not necessary to strengthen the feeling of the fault of the flavored, this can be done only worse. It is just important to be close and listen to, ask the leading questions that will help a person to disclose completely and tell you about everything he blames himself. The feeling of guilt will soon pass by itself. It will pass faster if it will be maximized by another person.

Stage of Depression

This stage can last from a few weeks to several months. It is in Apathia to the world around. This is the time when the flammable has no strength or physical, nor moral to live. I'm tired of all.

The depression stage suggests that the burning understands and realizes the death of a loved one, but has not yet found a way to live on without this person.

This time of tears and apathy to the whole world. Doing at this time flavored involving in a variety of entertainment activities, switch his attention.

Grief is an internal loss experience, as well as related thoughts and feelings. Specialist on social psychiatry issues Erich Lindemann He dedicated the whole work to such an emotional state, calling it a "sharp grief".

Psychologist lists 6 signs or symptoms of sharp grief:

1. Physical suffering - permanent sighs, complaints about the loss of strength and exhaustion, lack of appetite;
2. Changes in consciousness - a slight sense of unreality, a feeling of increasing the emotional distance separating flavored from other people, the dies of the deceased;
3. Feeling guilt - search in the events preceding the death of a loved one, evidence that he did not do for the deceased everything that could; accusing itself in the inattention, exaggeration of the significance of their slighters;
4. hostile reactions - the loss of heat in relations with people, irritation, anger, and even aggression in their address, the desire to not be disturbed;
5. The loss of models of behavior - hurriedness, restlessness, aimless movements, permanent searches for any classes and inability to organize it, loss of interest in anywhere;
6. The appearance of the deceased in combustible damn, especially the symptoms of its last disease or behavior - this symptom is already on the border of the pathological response.

The experience of grief individually, but, at the same time, it has its own phase. Of course, the duration and their sequence can vary.

1. Shock and talk

"Can not be!" - Such is the first reaction to the news of the death of a loved one. A characteristic state can last from a few seconds to several weeks, on average it lasts 9 days. A person is experiencing a feeling of the unreality of what is happening, mental numbness, insensitiveness, physiological and behavioral disorders. If the loss turns out to be too stunning or sudden, the following shock state and the denial of what happened sometimes take paradoxical forms that are forcing others to doubt the mental health. This does not speak about the obstruction, just the psyche of a person is not able to bring a blow and for a while strives to burn out from the terrible reality, creating the illusory world. At this stage, the fuel can be sought in the crowd of the deceased, talking to him, "hear" his steps, put an extra cutlery on the table ... things and the room of the deceased can be stored in immunity in case of "return".

What and how can you help a person in the shock phase?

Talking and consulting it is completely useless. He still does not hear you, and on all attempts to console him only say that he feels good. At such moments, it would be nice to constantly be near, no for a second, without leaving a person of one, without releasing it from the field of attention, so as not to miss an acute reactive state. At the same time, it is not necessary to talk to him, you can simply silently be near.

Sometimes there are enough one tactile contacts to bring a person out of the hardest shock. Especially good movements like stroking on the head. At this point, many people feel small, defenseless, they want to cry, as they cried in childhood. If you managed to cause tears, it means that a person goes to the next phase.

It is necessary to call any strong feelings in humans - they are able to withdraw it out of shock. Obviously, the state of great joy awakens is not easy, but anger is suitable here.

2. Anger and insult

May last from several days to 2-3 weeks. After the fact of loss begins to admit, the absence of a loved one is more acute. Surviving grief again and again in the mind scrolls the circumstances of his death and the events preceding it. The more he thinks about it, the more questions arise from him. It is difficult for a person with loss. He is being strengthened to comprehend the happening, find the reasons, asking for itself a lot of different "why": "Why is it?", "Why (for what) such misfortune fell on us?", "Why didn't they resist / la at his home?", " Why not insisted / la apply to the hospital? "... anger and charges can be directed to fate, God, for people. The reaction of anger can be directed to the very deceased: for having left and caused the cause of suffering; For not writing testament; left behind a bunch of problems, including material; For the fact that he made a mistake and could not avoid death. All these negative emotions are quite natural for a man who is worried. It is just a reaction to your own helplessness in this situation.

3. Stage of guilt and obsession

A person who suffers from remorse about the fact that he was unfair to the deceased or did not prevent his death, he could convince himself that if only it was possible to turn the time to reverse and return everything back, he would certainly behave another. At the same time, in the imagination can repeatedly play, no matter how it was then. Surgent loss often protested themselves with numerous "if", acquiring sometimes intrusive character: "If I knew ...", "If I just stayed ..." This is also a completely ordinary response in the loss. It can be said that the adoption is fighting with denial. Almost everyone who lost a loved one, in one form or another feels guilty before the dead for the fact that he did not prevent his care; For not doing something for the deceased: he did not care enough, appreciated, helped, did not talk about his love, did not ask for forgiveness, etc.

4. Stage of suffering and depression

Duration from 4 to 7 weeks. The fact that in the sequence of stages of burning suffering was in fourth place, does not mean that at first it is not, and then it suddenly appears. This is that at a certain stage, suffering reaches his peak and overshadows all other experiences. This is the period of maximum sincere pain, which sometimes seems unbearable. The death of a loved one leaves a deep wound in the heart and causes the strongest torments that are felt even at the physical level. The suffering that a person is experiencing is not unchanged, but, as a rule, comes waves. Tears can approach with every memories of the dead, about the last living and the circumstances of his death. The reason for tears can also be a feeling of loneliness, abandonment and pity to themselves. At the same time, longing for the deceased is completely optionally manifested in the crying, suffering can be bend deep into and find expression in depression. Despite the fact that suffering sometimes becomes unbearable, flavored can be clinging for it (as a rule, unconsciously), as the opportunity to keep the connection with the dead and witness their love for him. Internal logic in this case is approximately this: stop sorrowing - it means calming down, calm down - it means to forget, forget - it means to betray.

What can alleviate the suffering of flavored?

If in continuation of the first phase it is necessary to constantly be together with the flamming, then here you can and need to give a person to be alone if he wants it. But if he has a desire to talk, it is always necessary to be at his disposal, listen and support.

If a person cries, it is not necessary to console him at all. What is "consolation"? This is an attempt to make it not crying. We have an unconditional reflex on other people's tears: seeing them, we are ready to do everything so that a person calms down and stopped riding. And tears enable the strongest emotional discharge.

You can unobtrusively attach a person to socially useful activities: pushing work, start downloading home affairs. This gives him the opportunity to distract from the main experiences.

And, of course, a person must constantly demonstrate that you understand His loss, but treat him, as an ordinary person, without making him any concerns.

5. Stage of adoption and reorganization

May last from 40 days to 1-15 years. No matter how hard and lasting grief, in the end, a person, as a rule, comes to emotional loss, which is accompanied by weakening or transformation of mental communication with the dead. At the same time, the connection of times is restored: if before that flammable lived mostly in the past and did not want to (was not ready) to accept changes in his life, now he gradually returns the ability to fully live in the surrounding reality and hope to look into the future. A person restores social ties lost at time and starts new ones. Interest in significant activities, new points of application of their forces and abilities are opening. Taking the life without a deceased close, a person acquires the ability to plan his own further fate without him. Thus, there is a reorganization of life.

Main help At this stage, it is to contribute to this appeal to the future, help build all sorts of plans.

The way the process of experiencing losses, how intense and durable will be sad, depends on many factors.

The significance of the deceased and features of relationships with it. This is one of the most significant moments that determine the nature of grief. The closer the person was the left of his life and the more difficult, confusing, conflict was the relationship with him, the harder the loss is experiencing. The abundance and importance of something not done for the deceased and, as a result, the incompleteness of relations with him especially aggravate spiritual torments.

Circumstances. A stronger blow causes, as a rule, unexpected, severe (painful, long-term) and / or violent death.

The age of the deceased. The death of an elderly person is usually perceived as a more or less natural, natural event. And on the contrary, it is more difficult to accept the departure from the life of a young man or child.

Experience loss. Past deaths of loved ones are associated with invisible threads with each new loss. However, the nature of their influence in the present depends on how a person coped with this in the past.

Personal features of flavored. Everyone is unique, and his individuality is definitely manifest in grief. Of the many psychological qualities, it is worth highlighting how a person belongs to death. It depends on this response to the loss. As writes J. Rynooter."The main thing that extends the grief is a very chain illusion of the guaranteed reliability of existence."

Social ties. The presence of a number of people who are ready to hold and divide the mountains will significantly facilitate the experience of loss.

Frequently close in their desire to support only worse. So what do not speak in communicating with flavors:

Understanding statements that do not take into account current circumstances or the psychological state of a loss experienced.
Inappropriate statements generated by a misunderstanding of grief or desire to drown out: "Well, you are still young, and" "I do not cry - she / he would not like it," and so on.
Projecting statements carrying on another person their own ideas, feelings or desires. Among the various kinds of projections, two are especially allocated:
a) the projection of his experience, for example, in words: "Your feelings are so understandable to me." In fact, any loss is individual, and no one can fully know the suffering and the severity of the loss of another.
c) the projection of their desires - when sympathizers say: "You need to continue your life, you need to go more often, you need to finish with mourning" - they just express their own needs.
In addition, the most frequently used clichés should be separated separately, which seem to be surrounded by the suffering of the flavored, and in fact they interfere with it properly to survive Mount: "You should have to cope with this", "You need to take yourself something", "Time treats all wounds," "be strong", "no tears will not be given." All these verbal installations pound the grief in the underground.